romance – Elemental Energies

Lately, I have been drawn to watercolor painting, and as I sat mixing shades for my latest project, It occurred to me how similar the 5 Elements and primary colors are. Each has a unique foundation, an underlying basis or principle that can not be created. But they can be altered by mixing and fusing with each other, to produce unique and beautiful one of a kind hues, or Elemental patterns.

Just as a well trained artist knows how to bring a composition to life, skillfully using pigments and tone to create beauty and interest, or invoke our emotions. So too, do the Five Elements dance with each other to create fascinating patterns, personality traits, and colorful code words.

And I see and hear those patterns, traits and vivid code words everywhere. I almost can’t help it. An occupational hazard, I guess. In fact, a few days ago while I was listening to one of my favorite psychology podcasts, it happened again! The guest was inadvertently using so many descriptive Elemental code words to describe her work, that I actually couldn’t focus on what she was saying anymore. I felt compelled to pause the podcast and try to look up her numbers. Fortunately, she was a professor at a prominent university, and I was able to find her birthdate.

But even if I couldn’t have gotten her numbers, I was pretty sure I knew what her Elements were. Sometimes our Elemental traits speak so strongly, that it is almost impossible to miss. As was the case with this professor.

Indeed, she was predominantly Water Element. Of course, she also had some Earth and Metal Elements in her nature, but her Water was definitely talking throughout the interview.

From the beginning, her story captivated me, especially how firmly it linked with the Water Element. She holds a Ph.D in behavioral decision research and on this episode of the podcast she was discussing the cost of concealment. Her research suggests that the secrets we keep hidden from others can erode our connections and clog our mental space. (Water erodes, think of the Grand Canyon and the brain is actually associated with the Water Element.) And as she explained, we do this out of lack of trust, or fear that we will be judged by others.

Hmm… concealment, hidden secrets, erosion, fear, I thought. All associated with the Water Element, and the fact that she has chosen to make a career out of this particular research, fascinating! Water folks love to dwell in the covert deep abyss of the unknown, and they can be extremely secretive and distrustful, especially when they get hurt.

But for me, the most interesting part of her story was when she described an incident that happened years before at a “rookie” academic job fair, involving what she termed “mutual self disclosure.” Which is the reciprocal, voluntary sharing of personal information, feelings or experiences, as a way to build trust and intimacy. And in her words, she had a “reciprocity fail.”

Fresh out of college and seeking a career in academia, she attended the robust event at a large hotel, where all universities that are recruiting rent out suites. Every hour on the hour, all the candidates move from room to room pitching themselves and presenting their research.

As she is waiting for the elevator to go to yet another suite, the doors open and she steps inside and notices there is only one other job candidate on the lift. As the steel doors close, she wearily looks at the the man, and utters that she is completely exhausted from the days events, hoping he will commiserate with her, and they can have a shared moment of friendship. But he doesn’t. Instead, he straightens up and cheerfully responds, “oh this is such a fun opportunity to get senior faculty to weigh in on all of my research! It is just so amazing!” Reciprocity fail.

But the thing is, he’s probably Wood Element, possibly even mixed with some Fire Element. Mingling with the senior staff, being able to present his stuff, get some valuable feedback, perhaps even set some new goals… it likely was energizing and awesome for him.

However, she is Water Element, and being around all those people in such a structured, fast paced environment, was exhausting for her. As I perceived it, it wasn’t so much a “reciprocity fail,” as much as an Elemental patterns mishap or rather mismatch. It’s probably not that he didn’t take the olive branch or mean to shut her down, he just didn’t experience the event in the same way. But as she noted, the sting of that encounter still lingers.

And it would. For Water Element folks, the “sting” can last a very long time. They tend to “lose their voice” and trust when they get hurt. At the extreme, they disengage or disappear from the relationship. As was the case for the professor. Even though she admits they regularly see each other at conferences, and she acknowledges that he’s probably “a very nice guy,” she never again felt the desire to “chat him up.” Imagine if they had just understood each other’s Elemental patterns, they could have been life long friends!

Personal stories of simple changes that are as unique and inspiring as the people who created them. I have a great appreciation for the everyday stories of friends and family and their journeys to create change.

A “CASE” FOR BOOKS

Many years ago when I lived in Albuquerque, I had a very Earthy and Water element friend who had such a love for books. Her Earth Element nature loved to “collect” things and one of the ways that showed up in her Water element was in the choice of what she was collecting. Water Element people like to surround themselves with deep wisdom and sometimes that can show up as clutter around books and papers.

Katie was constantly buying books, more books than she actually had room for. On any given weekend you could find her at the local bookstore pouring over the latest self-help books. Always buying at least one to bring home to add to the pile she had strewn across the floor of her bedroom. She loved nothing more than sitting in bed on Saturday mornings sipping her coffee and reading her books and magazines.

Once when I was visiting at her home, I mentioned that the books scattered all over the floor of her bedroom was not good Feng Shui.” “Oh I don’t believe in that,” Katie replied, “it’s a lot of woo woo stuff.” But I pointed out that even from a practical standpoint, all that clutter around her bed was not good, because among other things, there was a lot of stuck energy going on, and that could really drag her own energy down.

“I don’t care,” she said, “I love books, I love to look at them, I love to touch them, I love to have them around me. And on Saturday mornings I don’t want to run all over the house looking for my books! I just wanted to grab my cup of coffee, reach down and pick up a book or magazine. Though I could see her point, this situations was far from ideal. Still, Katie wasn’t interested in any of my Feng Shui advise, so I just dropped it. And so, the cycle of buying more books and adding them to her ever growing pile continued.

However, one night Katie got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, and she left the lights off because she didn’t want to wake her husband. But on the way back to bed she slipped and fell on that pile of books, and hit her hip on the corner of the footboard. Fortunately, Katie was not seriously hurt, but there was a nasty puncture wound on her hip and she was quite sore and bruised for a couple of weeks.

As she was recounted the incident over our weekly morning coffee, she admitted that maybe I had been right about all those books on the floor. As I listened, I again gently reminded her that perhaps that was a very practical reason for not having all her books scattered on the floor. As we continued our conversation, she became a tiny bit more open to the benefits of Feng Shui, and asked if I had any recommendations.

Of course, my first suggestion was to pick those books up off the floor and put them somewhere where they could easily be accessed, and she could actually see what was there. I suspected that Katie might not even know which books she had lying on the floor, all piled on top of each other, and I wondered if she had even read them all, or remember which ones she had bought.

We agreed to meet at Katie’s house the following weekend and tackle the books. When I arrived, Katie informed me that she was open to my suggestions but that she was not going to spend any money on this “woo, woo” stuff, and she wanted her books to stay in the bedroom. Okay, maybe a bit of a challenge I thought, but I was up for it. As I stared down at the pile of books next to her bed, I asked if she had ever considered a bookcase, though admittedly, I’m not a big fan of putting a bookcase in a bedroom.

I believe that books are better suited to other rooms in the house. A book by its very nature is the voice of someone talking. So if you have a lot of books in your bedroom, you “metaphorically” have a lot of voices talking all the time while you are trying to sleep. It may seem a little “woo woo,” but from a Feng Shui standpoint, a bookcase in the bedroom may not the best idea. Fortunately, Katie agreed but still insisted on keeping her books close by.

As I surveyed the room, I noticed a mostly empty corner with a chair that was lightly covered in dust. “Katie, what do you use this chair for,” I ask. “Nothing really,” she replied. I just have it there because I need something to fill the space.” So I suggested that maybe we could create a little reading nook in that unused corner. Though Katie admitted that she preferred to read in bed, she was curious enough to give it a try. However, she firmly reminded me that she was not going to spend any money on it. “Not a problem,” I replied. “Most people already have everything they need to create change, it’s just a matter of finding it.”

So off we went on a scavenger hunt! We found an unused rectangular wicker basket in the closest that was the perfect size to hold magazines and books. A tiny lamp that was shoved in the back of a crowded bookshelf in the living room was repurposed as a reading lamp. An old pillow on the couch found a new home on the chair accompanied by a previously retired afghan blanket in the basement. Sensing we still needed one more thing, I turned to Katie and ask if she was open to spending a little bit of money. “How much,” she said with slight irritation in her voice. “Not much,” I said, “maybe twenty dollars or so, for a floating shelf above the chair.” Preceded by some grumbling from Katie, off to the local hardware store we went.

After placing most of the books and magazines in the basket and on the shelf, we did a little styling and voila! As we stepped back to admire our work, Katie exclaimed “Wow! That looks great!” Admittedly, it did. “Now, instead of always reading in bed, you can also use this cozy little reading space,” I said. “And you can also easily access all of your books”.

But that is where the story got interesting, because anytime we make a change and shift our energy the energy shifts around us. Even though Katie didn’t really believe in Feng Shui or it’s benefits, she did start to feel better. She got up a little earlier and felt a bit more energetic in the mornings. Then she did something unexpected, she packed up all the books that she was no longer interested in or had the desire to read anymore and donated them to the town library. While she was there, she noticed a sign above the drop-off bin that had all sorts of interesting book clubs and free classes. With a little nudging form her husband, she signed up for a conversational Spanish class. Not only did she start learning a new language, but she also met some new friends.

And although this may not seem like a significant part of her story, it was. Over time, Katie had started drifting into her emotional Water Element side, instead of her principal personality of Earth Element. While her Watery side was fine spending time alone reading and deepening her knowledge, Katie’s, Earth Element was lacking a sense of community, which is such and important part of her over all personality. Her Earth Element was actually craving more meaningful connections with people.

Katie is still not a believer of Feng Shui, and that’s okay, she does’t have to be. Feng Shui doesn’t need our permission to work it’s magic. And the truth is, we don’t know what that magic is going to look like anyway, because Feng Shui isn’t transactional. But what we do know is, as in Katie’s story, those changes are most likely to show up as exactly what is needed in that moment of time!

Tag: romance

Reciprocity Fail Or Elemental Mishap?

Other People’s Stories