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No Yelling, Please!
I love Lindsay Gibson. Anytime I get to listen to a guest interview with her, I jump at the chance. She is a clinical psychologist and author of several books on emotional immaturity, including her bestseller, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This time, though, Lindsey was talking about her new book – How To Raise An Emotionally Mature Child. And as usual, she did not disappoint!
However, even though I really resonate with her thoughtful commentary and wise advise on emotional immaturity, there was one little sticking point that caught my attention during this interview. And I wasn’t the only one. All in the Mind podcast presenter, Sana Qadar struggled with it too. In fact, she admitted that it made her a little angry. Because, she’s done it, I know I’ve done it, and I am pretty sure everyone else has done it too.
In her new book, Lindsay lists several basic mindsets that contribute to raising an emotionally healthy child. Such as, your child has their own unique personality, emotional needs and their behavior is the way they are communicating those needs. All reasonably valid points, to which most parents would agree.
Then there are the absolutes. Behaviors that parents should absolutely avoid in order to help build emotional maturity in their children. Go with guidance rather that punishment. No hitting. Don’t berate or humiliate your child, to name a few, but then comes “Yelling is for emergencies only” – “wait, WHAT!” Sana exclaimed, “that one made me a little angry.”
Me too, not angry, exactly but shaking my head. Define emergency, Lindsay. Because when you are trying to get out of the house for an appointment and your kid is drawing all over your brick fireplace with crayons, or when your husband leaves the paint roller in the sink and your 17 month old grabs it and starts painting the floor of your new house in Benjamin Moore revere pewter, Yelling Happens! Just saying.
Does yelling mean we have failed as parents or at the very least, we’re doing parenting all wrong? Sure we should avoid it, but in those stressful moments, emotional regulation kind of goes out the window! But in her defense, Lindsay did say that we’ve all done it.
And we have definitely evolved. As Lindsay reminds us, past generations of the 40’s and 50’s were mainly concentrating on being properly authoritative for their children and just keeping a roof over their heads. Their emotional needs were certainly not being considered as much. Back then, everyone spanked and yelled at their kids. But there was also a lot of love and kindness in most of those families as well.
Even in the mid 60’s and early 70’s it was common to hit your kids. And not only was it the cultural norm but parents did it with what ever they could find, a wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer, or maybe a spatula. In fact, some folks even bought wooden paddle balls and let their kids play with them until the string broke, and then would use it for a spanking paddle. Think about that one for a minute or two. I just wonder what Lindsay would have to say about it now!
Of course, it was the 60’s after all, and no one really thought too much about it, because it was the cultural standard of the time. Most of those people were good, kind and loving parents. They were just following the norm, which thankfully, is no longer the norm. If fact, it was probably that generation of kids who changed the rules!
But yelling? …. Ehhh, I’m still having a bit of trouble with that one. I mean, I get that we shouldn’t do it, but in the heat of the moment it’s probably going to happen. And if it does get to that point, perhaps we should reflect on how we can do things differently. As Sana Qadar said, “I did go home and game plan: what else could I do in the morning?” And as annoying and unrealistic as she thought the advice was, thinking more deeply about what she could do otherwise, did work.
I do have a question for Lindsay, though. Do those same rules apply for spouses? Because if so, I have done a terrible job at raising mine! Maybe be your next book could be on how to raise an emotionally mature partner!
The Goal Is To Become
“It was so overwhelming,” I sighed, to my friend Maria on the phone, as I recounted my recent trip to my daughter’s newly leased campus apartment. “The bathroom looked like it hadn’t seen a sponge or a bottle of Fantastik in years!”
“That does sounds a bit daunting,” Maria agreed, “How long did it take to scrub it all down?”
“Hours!” I groaned. “It was such a big task that I could only focus on one piece of the job at a time.”
“I feel the same way about my goals,” Maria mused. “It sometimes feels like I am never going to be able to achieve them.” I agreed, as I thought about how may times I start out excited about a new project, only to let it fizzle out halfway through.
I like to think of my goals as the stars of the show, the end point I want to get to. They’re always so bright and sparkly… and very far away. But what I have learned over time is that goals are not a singular thing, they are a part of a process. And all the steps in-between are a set of processes that lead to the final outcome.
Those steps in-between are where the real magic happens, where our stories begin to unfold and take shape. And like a beautiful garden, they take time to cultivate and need to be pruned along the way. Which means that as much as I want to get to that end point, they simply can not be rushed.
Often, I find that if I am struggling with those steps, some questions start to emerge. Author and podcaster, Forrest Hanson, suggests “focusing on the real end goal that you’re trying to reach. What is your why?” Because sometimes we may find that we did not write it for ourselves or that our expectations are unclear. Do you really want to wake up early to train for that that 5k run with your friend, or would you rather go for a morning walk with them instead?
It can be daunting when our goals seem unrealistic or too far out of reach. Those are the ones that need to be reassessed and pruned. Perhaps it’s better to focus on smaller targets, like starting with a blog instead of writing a novel! It can be difficult to let go of a dream, but refining it keeps it within reach.
Sometimes the goal is just to push through as fast as possible, like cleaning the bathroom in my daughters new apartment. I intensely wanted to get it done. But I have learned to be consistent rather than intense. Passion burns out, consistency remains. I may not have been thrilled, but as I steadily continued to clean, I felt energized as each small task was complete. Gradually, what seemed like an insurmountable goal, began to feel obtainable.
And yeah, some goals are going to fail, we’re not going to cross every finish line. But those are the ones that usually teach us valuable lessons. The ones that shape us and become part of our ever evolving story.
But no matter how much we prune and refine, if we don’t create an environment to thrive, we probably won’t succeed. Because it will take discipline, consistency, joy and strength. And above all else, community.
As author and keynote speaker, James Clear once said, “The goal is not to finish the painting, the goal is to become an artist.” And the in-between steps are the becoming. Where life is lived and our stories unfold. Because that’s where the real magic happens.
Painting Outside The Box
Standing in the dark gallery filled with a sea of people, I struggle to get a close up view of the iconic watercolor paintings by Winslow Homer on display at the Museum of Fine Arts, in Boston. It is a stunning show of works, some of which have not been seen for decades. I love coming to the exhibitions. The abundant displays of art from all over the world inspire awe and inspiration for the many visitors that pass through the museum’s doors. And yes, for me as well. Yet the place that really ignites my imagination is in the artist’s studio. Where the quiet chaos slowly unfolds into the masterpieces that line the walls in these great galleries.
I delight in the smell of linseed oil and turpentine, mixed with fresh oil paint. And if I close my eyes I can still hear the faint sound of the old wood plank floors creaking underfoot, as I walked across my former high school art studio. It alway seemed dark and moody in there, steeped in the quiet turmoil of creativity. But what exactly makes a great piece of art? Why does one painting or work of art draw millions of visitors per year, yet another, perhaps even by the same artist… well, crickets.
I recently read this question in a magazine article. And although they had a few interesting ideas, they never really gave an answer. So, I decided to explore this notion for myself, starting with what I already know about artistic creators.
They are innovators, movers and shakers and ahead of their time. They see things differently, and the stories behind those works of art can be fascinating. Artist are not afraid to think outside the box. In fact, they were born to think outside the box.
Consider Elisabeth Vigee Le Brun. Not only was she a successful female artist in 18th century France, almost unheard of at the time, but she also seemed to be the mother of photoshop. Centuries before we were image editing our photos, she was using her gift of flattery to portray her clients in a more visually pleasing way. Shortening a nose here, strengthening a weak chin there and basically using her paintbrush to refine her patrons’ essences.
Or Caravaggio, the rebellious Italian painter from the 1500’s, with his inventive use of light and dark to create dramatic intensity. And his notorious use of ordinary people, to elevate the scenes of everyday life to canvas worthy masterpieces.
And who can forget Monet, the father of impressionism, and his revolutionary use of light and color? Or Van Gogh’s brush stroke portrayal of deeply displayed emotions?
Still, what makes one work of art more memorable than another? What is it that captures our attention and catapults it to fame? I believe it is the story. Behind every work of art there is a story, whether we consciously know it or not, we feel it. We recognize it. It moves us. Some profoundly more than others.
Since the beginning of time, humans have loved stories. Long before the written word ever existed, they were passed down orally generation to generation. Maybe around a campfire, or visually pictured on ancient cave walls. We learn from them, we are entertained by them, we cry and grow with them. They are as much apart of our lives as living. They are life.
And though I am no expert or art historian, for me that is just it. Artists take us on a journey with them, transporting us into the stories that they create. Is that a smile on Mona Lisa’s face, why is she looking so directly at us? Was that really the way the night sky swirled in 19th century France, or did Van Gogh just have a little too much wine with dinner that night? We are hooked. We are mesmerized. And then they leave us hanging, because we never truly know what the answer is or what the ending is supposed to be… That is solely up to our “artistic interpretation”. Because as with art and life, the finale is uniquely our own creation.
A Case For The Ordinary Mess
Sighing with exasperation, I stare down at the mess of papers at the end of the kitchen counter. I just cannot seem to make them go away. Supposedly, I have done the work. I’ve read books by the experts, done clearings, given things a home, tried to change my habits and even got a cute basket to gather the papers in. Still, the mess comes back. Why?
I am well aware of the downside of clutter. A messy desk equals poor concentration, and a lack of focus. An untidy pile of laundry in the bedroom can cause sleep disruption or anxiety. And constantly starting at disorder in our environment can be a real downer, and maybe even lead to moodiness or depression. So yeah, there is definitely a lot of reasons why the disheveled disarray is bad for us.
But is it really ALL bad? I mean, everything has an upside, right? Having a lot of stuff that you love doesn’t automatically make it clutter. Clutter is when the “stuff” loses its end goal and just starts taking over the place. I’ve been in spaces like that and there is a real sense of heaviness and confusion. Everything just seems to be screaming out for attention. And that can be an unhealthy drag on our energy.
Clutter also embeds a series of decisions we do not wish to make. Because every decision also comes with a loss, and clutter can be a comfort in not addressing those decisions. Like old photos and memories of the past, it can feel like a piece of our story that we are permanently clearing away.
Nevertheless, after doing a little research about the mayhem, there does appear to be some practical advantages. Turns out, clutter can actually encourage inspiration and creativity. For instance, have you ever noticed a college professor’s desk? It is usually pilled high with papers and books. Or your favorite home chef’s kitchen in the process of making an amazing meal? Even an artist’s studio? The very process of creation is, well, rather messy.
Clutter can even give us pause and remind us that we have enough. It serves as a potent visual reminder to be more aware of our consumption, and mindful of our purchases. Or it can be an optical nudge to complete necessary tasks, such as running shoes left out in a corner to encourage us to exercise more.
We can even turn that mess into a financial gain by selling what is no longer useful, needed or loved. And as we sort through it all, we give ourselves the gift of an emotional release and closure as we let go of what is no longer relevant, providing someone else the opportunity to give our old stuff new love.
All good things, for sure. But the Bottom line is clutter happens, it is just part of life. There is no way I am going to be able to keep the end of my kitchen counter free of papers. The best I can do is to store them neatly in that cute little basket and give them a weekly sort. Because as author and former radio speaker Earl Nightingale once said, “Successful people are not people without problems. They are people who know or learn how to solve their problems.”
And I’d like to use my artistic license to add, “Nor are they people without clutter, they are just folks who’ve learned how to manage it better!”
Coming soon: Megan and I will be resuming our “Let’s keep going” podcast! Stay tuned for more fun discussions on these topics and what we’ve been up to.
Green Bean And Lamb Stew
Lately, now that I have more time on my hands, I find myself in the kitchen a lot. Cooking has become like art to me, well, it is an art actually. I have become so curious that I find myself browsing though cookbooks in bookstores, and scanning food magazines while I wait in the grocery line. I’ve even taken up listening to a new podcast all about the science and history of food.
And though I may have been feeling the pull toward the culinary arts gradually, I realized that it wasn’t so new. I had always been interested in some form of cooking as far back as grade school. I remember being in my childhood kitchen trying to recreate a recipe for chip dip, that my mother had served at a party a few nights before. Diligently working to combining Miracle Whip with salt, pepper and any other spices I could find. Then there was the cake decorating class I took in the seventh grade, and the time I eagerly convinced my mother to teach me how to make her homemade macaroni and potato salads as a teenager.
I had somehow missed the fact that it wasn’t just the fine arts that intrigued me, but cooking as well. I like the idea of creating little edible masterpieces every time I’m in the kitchen. However, that being said, it has to be easy and it has to be fun. If it is a long drawn out process, recipes that take a great deal of time or are too complicated, I am kind of out. I’ll leave those to my husband!
Mostly it is just me having some fun, playing around and learning what works and what doesn’t. Purely everyday sort of stuff. Until, I got inspired by my favorite food podcast to try something a little more challenging.
After listen to an episode about the history of Chinese American food, I decided to dig a little deeper into my own ancestry and find out what culinary delights it might have to offer. Being a mixture of Irish, Scottish, Canadian and Lebanese it was hard to pick. But since I have always loved Italian food, I decided to go with the Mediterranean side. So, Lebanese it was.
As I explored the rich history of mediterranean food, I stumbled on Maureen Abood and her classic Lebanese Mediterranean cuisine. Perfect, I thought! And as I scrolled through her collection of recipes, it brought back fond memories of the “Syrian food” my Lebanese grandfather and his siblings used to bring to our family gathering on special occasions. The stuffed grape leaves, the Syrian bread, it was all so good!
It didn’t take much convincing for my husband, he was in! And after deciding on an easy dish we were off to the supermarket to source the ingredients for our green bean and lamb stew. It seemed to be about the right skill level for us. “I don’t think we can mess this up,” I confidently said to my husband.
Perhaps a little too simple, we thought, after returning from the store and surveying all the fixings. Hmm, is this going to be good, I mused? Of course, it was best that the recipe wasn’t too complicated, because there is nothing easy about the two of us working together in the kitchen… or anywhere for that matter. We are not good collaborators and I don’t share well when it comes to my kitchen… because it is my kitchen after all! Let’s just say the stew wasn’t the only thing quietly simmering away. But as the delightful aroma started to waft through the air, all was forgiven.
And the results? The green been and lamb stew was amazing! Lip smacking good!! It just goes to remind me that some of the best things in life are the simple, uncomplicated things. The moment making stuff. The mundane stuff I guess, except there was NOTHING mundane about that stew! My Lebanese grandfather would have been proud!
If you are interested in the recipe or want to learn more about Maureen and her Lebanese Mediterranean Cuisine, I have attached a link to her website: https://maureenabood.com/
Oh My Fluffy White Nemesis!
Recently I’ve written a lot about the Water Element. Maybe because here in the Northeast we are stuck in the throws of a particularly brutal winter. We’ve got more than we asked for in snow and frigid temperatures. In fact, if anyone needs some extra of either, we have plenty to spare!
I am not a winter enthusiast, I loathe it. As my husband will tell you, anytime we get an ounce of snow, I have a mini meltdown. I can’t tell you how many time my heart has sunk into my chest as I made my way down the stairs, only to look out at yet another unexpected snowfall blanketing the driveway. “It’s nature, you can’t control it,” my husband calmly, and ever so slightly amused, responds to my exasperation at the sight of my fluffy white nemesis.
Winter just feels so long and isolating. It is supposed to, I know. “But I have a lot of Fire Element in my personality and I need warmth and sun,” I grumbled to my friend Theresa, while we sipped on jalapeño martinis during a recent “girls night out” dinner. “Yeah, it’s been harsh,” she acknowledged, taking a bite of her pasta. “But come July, we are going to be whining about the sweltering 90 degree weather!” “Fair enough,” I agreed, as we switched the topic to AI.
And that’s just it, some people are fine with winter, the ones who like to hibernate in the basement playing video games or watching movies. Perhaps for the folks out on the ski slopes, or for those to whom social interaction and human contact is not such a big deal. Actually, for those people, too much human interaction can be a real drag on their nervous system. But those of us for which community and socialization are vital, the quiet solitude of winter can be a bit underwhelming and depressing.
In fact, solitude of any kind can be challenging for certain types of Fire Element personalities, especially if it represents their evolutionary path and core issue in life. These are the open-hearted individuals, for whom connecting with others is essential. But sometimes, in their zeal to make others feel loved and seen, this same trait can make them a bit of a pleaser. And hidden beneath that, lies the fear of rejection.
One of my favorite 9 Star Ki mentors told such a story about a client of their’s, who they had worked with many years ago. The client had recently moved to a new city and felt lonely and isolated. In her desire to make new friends, she often spent hours sitting in the office of her apartment complex listening to people come in and spew out all their problems. However, she did not get paid to sit and listen to these people, and they were not her friends. They just came to unload their frustrations and leave feeling better.
Because her heart was so open and she craved friends, she lacked discernment and boundaries. Instead of finding new friends, she became a lonely service provider. And the fear of rejection resulted in her spending too much time in the office, which prevented her from discovering healthier relationships, and more enjoyable ways to socialize.
But fortunately, with some gentle coaching from my 9 Star Ki mentor, she eventually did move on from the office, and found more pleasurable ways to meet people.
As for me, I think I’ll hideout in the warmth of my cozy kitchen. Imagining balmy summer days, while creating savory suppers and comfort food to enjoy with my family and friends. And as we gather around the table in the solace of good company, we’ll raise our jalapeño martinis in a toast to the coming spring.
So take that my fluffy white nemesis! Even though Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter, you can’t hold off those daffodils forever! And as for old man winter, yeah… I don’t think we’re going to be friends.
Reciprocity Fail Or Elemental Mishap?
Lately, I have been drawn to watercolor painting, and as I sat mixing shades for my latest project, It occurred to me how similar the 5 Elements and primary colors are. Each has a unique foundation, an underlying basis or principle that can not be created. But they can be altered by mixing and fusing with each other, to produce unique and beautiful one of a kind hues, or Elemental patterns.
Just as a well trained artist knows how to bring a composition to life, skillfully using pigments and tone to create beauty and interest, or invoke our emotions. So too, do the Five Elements dance with each other to create fascinating patterns, personality traits, and colorful code words.
And I see and hear those patterns, traits and vivid code words everywhere. I almost can’t help it. An occupational hazard, I guess. In fact, a few days ago while I was listening to one of my favorite psychology podcasts, it happened again! The guest was inadvertently using so many descriptive Elemental code words to describe her work, that I actually couldn’t focus on what she was saying anymore. I felt compelled to pause the podcast and try to look up her numbers. Fortunately, she was a professor at a prominent university, and I was able to find her birthdate.
But even if I couldn’t have gotten her numbers, I was pretty sure I knew what her Elements were. Sometimes our Elemental traits speak so strongly, that it is almost impossible to miss. As was the case with this professor.
Indeed, she was predominantly Water Element. Of course, she also had some Earth and Metal Elements in her nature, but her Water was definitely talking throughout the interview.
From the beginning, her story captivated me, especially how firmly it linked with the Water Element. She holds a Ph.D in behavioral decision research and on this episode of the podcast she was discussing the cost of concealment. Her research suggests that the secrets we keep hidden from others can erode our connections and clog our mental space. (Water erodes, think of the Grand Canyon and the brain is actually associated with the Water Element.) And as she explained, we do this out of lack of trust, or fear that we will be judged by others.
Hmm… concealment, hidden secrets, erosion, fear, I thought. All associated with the Water Element, and the fact that she has chosen to make a career out of this particular research, fascinating! Water folks love to dwell in the covert deep abyss of the unknown, and they can be extremely secretive and distrustful, especially when they get hurt.
But for me, the most interesting part of her story was when she described an incident that happened years before at a “rookie” academic job fair, involving what she termed “mutual self disclosure.” Which is the reciprocal, voluntary sharing of personal information, feelings or experiences, as a way to build trust and intimacy. And in her words, she had a “reciprocity fail.”
Fresh out of college and seeking a career in academia, she attended the robust event at a large hotel, where all universities that are recruiting rent out suites. Every hour on the hour, all the candidates move from room to room pitching themselves and presenting their research.
As she is waiting for the elevator to go to yet another suite, the doors open and she steps inside and notices there is only one other job candidate on the lift. As the steel doors close, she wearily looks at the the man, and utters that she is completely exhausted from the days events, hoping he will commiserate with her, and they can have a shared moment of friendship. But he doesn’t. Instead, he straightens up and cheerfully responds, “oh this is such a fun opportunity to get senior faculty to weigh in on all of my research! It is just so amazing!” Reciprocity fail.
But the thing is, he’s probably Wood Element, possibly even mixed with some Fire Element. Mingling with the senior staff, being able to present his stuff, get some valuable feedback, perhaps even set some new goals… it likely was energizing and awesome for him.
However, she is Water Element, and being around all those people in such a structured, fast paced environment, was exhausting for her. As I perceived it, it wasn’t so much a “reciprocity fail,” as much as an Elemental patterns mishap or rather mismatch. It’s probably not that he didn’t take the olive branch or mean to shut her down, he just didn’t experience the event in the same way. But as she noted, the sting of that encounter still lingers.
And it would. For Water Element folks, the “sting” can last a very long time. They tend to “lose their voice” and trust when they get hurt. At the extreme, they disengage or disappear from the relationship. As was the case for the professor. Even though she admits they regularly see each other at conferences, and she acknowledges that he’s probably “a very nice guy,” she never again felt the desire to “chat him up.” Imagine if they had just understood each other’s Elemental patterns, they could have been life long friends!
Understanding Our Energetic Roadmap
For many people, the new year begins in January, with fresh expectations and newly minted goals in hand. But for me, February is when I start to think about the year ahead. And it’s not so much about the goals or achievements that I am pondering, but rather the questions I will ask of the coming year.
Because in the astrological system of 9 Star Ki, February 4th begins the shift. And with it comes distinctively new energetic patterns and “homework,” for each year. I have found it to be a valuable and interesting way to look back at the year that has just ended and gain insight into the year that is emerging. It helps us to decide if it’s the best time to push forward or to rest and reflect. Sometimes with jaw dropping accuracy, and at other times, with a simple shrug and a “yeah, that happened.”
And in 2025, I was in one of those quiet reflective years. It is called a year of “transformation,” but to me it felt more like being stuck in the mud. Thick mud, the kind your boots get stuck in on an early spring day, when the snow starts to melt. Moving forward was an enormous effort and nothing seemed clear. Communication can be difficult in a year like this, and little details can be missed. And even though I knew this going in, it still happened.
In September, while attending a one time blogging class, I was discussing my work with the 9 Star Ki, when couple of interested classmates asked me for my website information. Later, as I was recounting the events of the evening to my husband, he looked at me with mild irritation and replied, “you gave them the wrong website name!” And sure enough, I had. Those pesky little “details!”
However, even though 9 Star Ki is a remarkable way to understand our energetic patterns and yearly cycles, it is not a fortune cookie or an immutable predictor of fate. We still have to do the work. Essentially, it is a tool that shows us our energetic “weather” for the year.
But precisely because it is so accurate, it can be tempting to rely on it a bit too much, and instead treat it as a way of life. The same can be true of Feng Shui, Western Astrology or any of the instruments we use to help us navigate our journey in life. When I first started studying this system, I did just that.
In late winter of 2011, my husband started a new career path that required our family to relocate from New Jersey to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Though I knew the move would be stressful, I was more amazed at the accuracy of the energetic pattern, than surprised. I had just entered a season of rapid growth and change, and I figured why not? Let’s just go for it, and so we did.
Of course, as with any move, especially a major one, there were challenges. But when the dust settled, we started to make friends and form a new community. However, in the spring of 2013, when my husband had entered into the same cycle of change that I had been in two years prior, his company abruptly moved his entire group back east.
The challenge, besides the fact that we were facing yet another cross country move, was that I wasn’t in a year of change. In fact, I was in an “eye of the hurricane,” as Jean Haner, the author of Your Hidden Symmetry, calls it. And the advice for the year is to stay put!
I panicked. “What am I to do?” I pleaded with my 9 Star Ki teacher, “I can’t move, it’s the wrong year!” Though she did not seem too concerned, because it was the “eye of the hurricane” after all, and her advice was simple. “Just don’t take the lead, let your husband handle the big details,” she replied. “Give yourself some extra time and expect that there might be some complications.”
Well, not only didn’t I take the lead, I completely gave it to my husband (which is not what she told me to do, by the way). I followed the script for the year a little too closely and ended up giving myself a lot of complication. Complications that lasted years, because not only was he in a year of change, but he was also in a year where he could be impulsive. And he impulsively bought a house… without me. As you might imagine, this did not go well for either of us!
The point is, I wasn’t supposed to give my power up because a 9 Star Ki yearly cycle advised not to move. Life happens. What I was supposed to do is expect that there might be some extra challenges. Instead, I took it too literally and got a house and a community that wasn’t the best fit. And as my wise Five Element acupuncturist always reminds me, “it is meant to be a tool, not a way of life.”
And that is exactly I how I approach the 9 Star Ki energetic cycles now. With wonder and curiosity. A way to look back, reflect, and gain some insight, and maybe even do a little yearly homework. But mostly as a valuable roadmap on my journey through time.
Understanding the Water Element in Human Life
The Water Element: Deep and Powerful
In winter life seems quiet and hidden. Bare tree branches are etched across the sky and layers of snow blanket the frozen ground. But deep beneath the surface, concealed in the cold, dark earth, transformation is happening as the seeds slowly begin to grow and strengthen, silently waiting for the coming of spring.
And like the small trickle of melting snow winding its way down the mountain slope, softly moving around obstacles and joining together with more droplets to create rivers that slowly carve and shape the earth, water is determined.
Powerful, deep, mysterious and persistent – this is the essence of the Water Element. In human life, these are the intuitive, courageous and adventurous people. They carry a deep inner wisdom and can be quite philosophical and innovative. And although they appear easy going, Water Element people have strong independent natures, and don’t easily share their thoughts or emotions with the outside world. In fact, they can be quite secretive.
Water people need a great deal of freedom and flexibility in life. It can be torture for them to be stuck in a 9 to 5 job wearing a suit every day. In fact, they would actually prefer to be working horizontally. Whether lounging on the sofa, bed or recliner, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s not sitting at a desk!
One familiar pattern of Water Element people is their ability to push through difficult situations. They have tremendous courage and tenacity, but they can be challenged by the emotion of fear. Water Energy is about the unknown. It’s a deep, dark mysterious world beneath the surface, and fear is alway about the unknown. Water people carry this essence within them and under stress they can withdraw or become overly cautious and unable to move forward or make decisions. At the extreme, they may even become afraid to communicate their feelings.
A peek into the Water Element Personality:
Once, when I was on a plane traveling to North Carolina, I was seated next to a woman in her early 60’s. She’d noticed that I was reading a book about the Nine Star Ki, and as the plane started to land, her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked me about the book. After I gave her a brief description of the Ki and the Five Elements, she began to tell me her story.
Her career required her to travel a lot and and she loved it, but she wanted to retire. When I asked her why she didn’t, she told me about her husband who had been out of work for quite some time, and how he had secretly taken most of the money out of her retirement fund and spent it. Of course, once she found out, she filed for divorce, but now she would have to work longer than she had planned to. As I do with almost everyone I meet, I asked for her birthdate and gave her a quick description of her energetic patterns and the yearly cycle she was in. But when I explained her husband’s patterns and his yearly cycle, well, she was kind of stunned. She was Wood Element, and he was Water Element. And sometimes Water Element people have the tendency to be very secretive under stress and only tell you what they think you need to know. And this is just what happened. He was secretly and slowly taking the money over time, and like water gradually leaking out of a swimming pool, he literally “drained” her bank account. He was also in a 9 Fire year, which is a year of illumination and if you are hiding something that you don’t want to be seen, it can more easily come to light.
Although we had limited time to delve into her situation, she was astonished by the accuracy of the Nine Star Ki and how it illuminated some of the challenges she faced with her husband.
Everyday Cooking: The Art of Simple Suppers
Cooking has a kind of effortless feel to me. However, not the big extravagant holiday meals, those simply exhaust me. Rather, it is the everyday suppers that I look forward to preparing. There is a certain sort of creativity and experimentation to it.
In fact, every morning one of the first things I think about when I am getting ready for the day is, “what’s for supper tonight?” As I start planning, I do a visual inventory of what is in the refrigerator. I love to take what is already there, the leftovers, the things that are about to expire or that no one will eat and start imagining how I’ll make it all come together.
Most of the time my creations are a win, however, there are a few that are less than appreciated by my family. I have definitely presented my fair share of flops. Like the time I decided to throw the leftover Thanksgiving cranberries in with the salmon. My daughter refused to even try it.
Or my infamous “scarlet quiche.” An intricate mixture of eggs, half and half, tomato paste, basil and mozzarella cheese. And as one might have expected, it received less than stellar reviews. Instead, it was more like shock and disgust… “I think you may have gone a bit to far with this one,” my husband observed, as he took a tentative bite, and contorted his face. Though his French mother, who is an amazing home cook, humorously said it was a good idea. Which in retrospect, probably should have clued me in that is wasn’t going to work out so well.
However, I do have some wins. Like my white pizza with pepperoni and sausage or my Thursday night enchiladas with all of the weeks leftovers mixed with cheddar cheese and sour cream. Seriously, those are really good, and believe it or not, a crowd pleaser. At least with my crowd of three, that is. I haven’t been brave enough to try it on company yet.
And It is the meals that I nail that keep me interested in the game. That is rather what it is to me, a sort of game. I take what no one wants to eat and create (hopefully), something delicious. But there is another reason why I love to be in the kitchen cooking everyday meals. There is a rythm to it. The chopping of the veggies, the mixing of ingredients and sauces. It’s like creating a work of art, and I can get lost in the flow of it.
Unlike painting, where my mind starts to quiet and settle, and the day’s rumination slip away with every swirl of the paint brush. Instead, I become energized with each stir of the spoon, sprinkle of spice or shake of salt and pepper. And the anticipation of the outcome, will it look good, will it be edible, and the forever discerning critique of my family animates me, and keeps me going.
But most importantly, the kitchen is a space all my own, where I can create anything I desire. Sure, my other family members use the space, but not as much or in the same way as I do. Except on the holidays when my husband decides to cook (and oh brother!), that is another whole blog post of it’s own. Some good French food on the table but a complete disaster in the kitchen! And guess who gets to clean up that mess?!
So yeah, it is the practical preparation of the ordinary meals that I really enjoy. It is the easy, simple stuff, and just being in the moment of absolute creativity. Perfection doesn’t exist and mistakes don’t matter, only an effortless delight. I’ll save the fancy French cuisine for my husband! Bon Appetite!
Elemental Energies 