family – Elemental Energies

Oh My Fluffy White Nemesis!

Recently I’ve written a lot about the Water Element. Maybe because here in the Northeast we are stuck in the throws of a particularly brutal winter. We’ve got more than we asked for in snow and frigid temperatures. In fact, if anyone needs some extra of either, we have plenty to spare!

I am not a winter enthusiast, I loathe it. As my husband will tell you, anytime we get an ounce of snow, I have a mini meltdown. I can’t tell you how many time my heart has sunk into my chest as I made my way down the stairs, only to look out at yet another unexpected snowfall blanketing the driveway. “It’s nature, you can’t control it,” my husband calmly, and ever so slightly amused, responds to my exasperation at the sight of my fluffy white nemesis.

Winter just feels so long and isolating. It is supposed to, I know. “But I have a lot of Fire Element in my personality and I need warmth and sun,” I grumbled to my friend Theresa, while we sipped on jalapeño martinis during a recent “girls night out” dinner. “Yeah, it’s been harsh,” she acknowledged, taking a bite of her pasta. “But come July, we are going to be whining about the sweltering 90 degree weather!” “Fair enough,” I agreed, as we switched the topic to AI.

And that’s just it, some people are fine with winter, the ones who like to hibernate in the basement playing video games or watching movies. Perhaps for the folks out on the ski slopes, or for those to whom social interaction and human contact is not such a big deal. Actually, for those people, too much human interaction can be a real drag on their nervous system. But those of us for which community and socialization are vital, the quiet solitude of winter can be a bit underwhelming and depressing.

In fact, solitude of any kind can be challenging for certain types of Fire Element personalities, especially if it represents their evolutionary path and core issue in life. These are the open-hearted individuals, for whom connecting with others is essential. But sometimes, in their zeal to make others feel loved and seen, this same trait can make them a bit of a pleaser. And hidden beneath that, lies the fear of rejection.

One of my favorite 9 Star Ki mentors told such a story about a client of their’s, who they had worked with many years ago. The client had recently moved to a new city and felt lonely and isolated. In her desire to make new friends, she often spent hours sitting in the office of her apartment complex listening to people come in and spew out all their problems. However, she did not get paid to sit and listen to these people, and they were not her friends. They just came to unload their frustrations and leave feeling better.

Because her heart was so open and she craved friends, she lacked discernment and boundaries. Instead of finding new friends, she became a lonely service provider. And the fear of rejection resulted in her spending too much time in the office, which prevented her from discovering healthier relationships, and more enjoyable ways to socialize.

But fortunately, with some gentle coaching from my 9 Star Ki mentor, she eventually did move on from the office, and found more pleasurable ways to meet people.

As for me, I think I’ll hideout in the warmth of my cozy kitchen. Imagining balmy summer days, while creating savory suppers and comfort food to enjoy with my family and friends. And as we gather around the table in the solace of good company, we’ll raise our jalapeño martinis in a toast to the coming spring.

So take that my fluffy white nemesis! Even though Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter, you can’t hold off those daffodils forever! And as for old man winter, yeah… I don’t think we’re going to be friends.

Understanding Our Energetic Roadmap

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For many people, the new year begins in January, with fresh expectations and newly minted goals in hand. But for me, February is when I start to think about the year ahead. And it’s not so much about the goals or achievements that I am pondering, but rather the questions I will ask of the coming year.

Because in the astrological system of 9 Star Ki, February 4th begins the shift. And with it comes distinctively new energetic patterns and “homework,” for each year. I have found it to be a valuable and interesting way to look back at the year that has just ended and gain insight into the year that is emerging. It helps us to decide if it’s the best time to push forward or to rest and reflect. Sometimes with jaw dropping accuracy, and at other times, with a simple shrug and a “yeah, that happened.”

And in 2025, I was in one of those quiet reflective years. It is called a year of “transformation,” but to me it felt more like being stuck in the mud. Thick mud, the kind your boots get stuck in on an early spring day, when the snow starts to melt. Moving forward was an enormous effort and nothing seemed clear. Communication can be difficult in a year like this, and little details can be missed. And even though I knew this going in, it still happened.

In September, while attending a one time blogging class, I was discussing my work with the 9 Star Ki, when couple of interested classmates asked me for my website information. Later, as I was recounting the events of the evening to my husband, he looked at me with mild irritation and replied, “you gave them the wrong website name!” And sure enough, I had. Those pesky little “details!”

However, even though 9 Star Ki is a remarkable way to understand our energetic patterns and yearly cycles, it is not a fortune cookie or an immutable predictor of fate. We still have to do the work. Essentially, it is a tool that shows us our energetic “weather” for the year.

But precisely because it is so accurate, it can be tempting to rely on it a bit too much, and instead treat it as a way of life. The same can be true of Feng Shui, Western Astrology or any of the instruments we use to help us navigate our journey in life. When I first started studying this system, I did just that.

In late winter of 2011, my husband started a new career path that required our family to relocate from New Jersey to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Though I knew the move would be stressful, I was more amazed at the accuracy of the energetic pattern, than surprised. I had just entered a season of rapid growth and change, and I figured why not? Let’s just go for it, and so we did.

Of course, as with any move, especially a major one, there were challenges. But when the dust settled, we started to make friends and form a new community. However, in the spring of 2013, when my husband had entered into the same cycle of change that I had been in two years prior, his company abruptly moved his entire group back east.

The challenge, besides the fact that we were facing yet another cross country move, was that I wasn’t in a year of change. In fact, I was in an “eye of the hurricane,” as Jean Haner, the author of Your Hidden Symmetry, calls it. And the advice for the year is to stay put!

I panicked. “What am I to do?” I pleaded with my 9 Star Ki teacher, “I can’t move, it’s the wrong year!” Though she did not seem too concerned, because it was the “eye of the hurricane” after all, and her advice was simple. “Just don’t take the lead, let your husband handle the big details,” she replied. “Give yourself some extra time and expect that there might be some complications.”

Well, not only didn’t I take the lead, I completely gave it to my husband (which is not what she told me to do, by the way). I followed the script for the year a little too closely and ended up giving myself a lot of complication. Complications that lasted years, because not only was he in a year of change, but he was also in a year where he could be impulsive. And he impulsively bought a house… without me. As you might imagine, this did not go well for either of us!

The point is, I wasn’t supposed to give my power up because a 9 Star Ki yearly cycle advised not to move. Life happens. What I was supposed to do is expect that there might be some extra challenges. Instead, I took it too literally and got a house and a community that wasn’t the best fit. And as my wise Five Element acupuncturist always reminds me, “it is meant to be a tool, not a way of life.”

And that is exactly I how I approach the 9 Star Ki energetic cycles now. With wonder and curiosity. A way to look back, reflect, and gain some insight, and maybe even do a little yearly homework. But mostly as a valuable roadmap on my journey through time.

Everyday Cooking: The Art of Simple Suppers

Cooking has a kind of effortless feel to me. However, not the big extravagant holiday meals, those simply exhaust me. Rather, it is the everyday suppers that I look forward to preparing. There is a certain sort of creativity and experimentation to it.

In fact, every morning one of the first things I think about when I am getting ready for the day is, “what’s for supper tonight?” As I start planning, I do a visual inventory of what is in the refrigerator. I love to take what is already there, the leftovers, the things that are about to expire or that no one will eat and start imagining how I’ll make it all come together.

Most of the time my creations are a win, however, there are a few that are less than appreciated by my family. I have definitely presented my fair share of flops. Like the time I decided to throw the leftover Thanksgiving cranberries in with the salmon. My daughter refused to even try it.

Or my infamous “scarlet quiche.” An intricate mixture of eggs, half and half, tomato paste, basil and mozzarella cheese. And as one might have expected, it received less than stellar reviews. Instead, it was more like shock and disgust… “I think you may have gone a bit to far with this one,” my husband observed, as he took a tentative bite, and contorted his face. Though his French mother, who is an amazing home cook, humorously said it was a good idea. Which in retrospect, probably should have clued me in that is wasn’t going to work out so well.

However, I do have some wins. Like my white pizza with pepperoni and sausage or my Thursday night enchiladas with all of the weeks leftovers mixed with cheddar cheese and sour cream. Seriously, those are really good, and believe it or not, a crowd pleaser. At least with my crowd of three, that is. I haven’t been brave enough to try it on company yet.

And It is the meals that I nail that keep me interested in the game. That is rather what it is to me, a sort of game. I take what no one wants to eat and create (hopefully), something delicious. But there is another reason why I love to be in the kitchen cooking everyday meals. There is a rythm to it. The chopping of the veggies, the mixing of ingredients and sauces. It’s like creating a work of art, and I can get lost in the flow of it.

Unlike painting, where my mind starts to quiet and settle, and the day’s rumination slip away with every swirl of the paint brush. Instead, I become energized with each stir of the spoon, sprinkle of spice or shake of salt and pepper. And the anticipation of the outcome, will it look good, will it be edible, and the forever discerning critique of my family animates me, and keeps me going.

But most importantly, the kitchen is a space all my own, where I can create anything I desire. Sure, my other family members use the space, but not as much or in the same way as I do. Except on the holidays when my husband decides to cook (and oh brother!), that is another whole blog post of it’s own. Some good French food on the table but a complete disaster in the kitchen! And guess who gets to clean up that mess?!

So yeah, it is the practical preparation of the ordinary meals that I really enjoy. It is the easy, simple stuff, and just being in the moment of absolute creativity. Perfection doesn’t exist and mistakes don’t matter, only an effortless delight. I’ll save the fancy French cuisine for my husband! Bon Appetite!

Holiday Elemental Emotions – Naughty or Nice?

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Ah, the holiday season is upon us and with it comes all the joys, or rather, challenges of the grumpier side of the Five Elements.

One of the most useful parts of my studies in Nine Star Ki, has been being able to navigate the holidays and those sometimes (let’s be real – most of the time) challenging personalities of family. It has been such a great tool for me in learning how not to take things too personally.

Because there is always that sibling who has a blowup every year, the critical aunt who nitpicks every detail or the nosy brother in-law who asks too many questions. And none of us are the best version of ourselves under stress and the season’s festivities can sometimes wake up the peppery side of our emotional patterns.

So, I thought I would make a list of the “naughty and nice” attributes of each of the Five Element during the holiday season. Feel free to use this as a guide at your own holiday gatherings with friends and family. Maybe even having a little fun with it, to see if you can tell which Element is being nice or naughty!

Wood Element folks are the creative, optimistic go getter people. “Beginning, middle, end, move on,” is their motto. They definitely get things done. But under pressure or feeling blocked, the emotional nature of Wood can snap and become easily frustrated, impatient or at the extreme, angry. However, like a loud clap of thunder, their outbursts usually pass quickly. And while the rest of us non Wood Element people try and settle our nerves, they can easily bounce back to their optimistic selves, and wonder why everyone else is so upset.

Fire Element people are lovable, warm and charming. They are animated and humorous, always cracking little jokes to lighten the mood. Truly the life of the party. But on the emotional side, when they get overexcited, anxious or feel rejected there can be big drama! Usually resulting in tears but at the extreme a dramatic explosion of emotion!

Such as a display of dinner roll fireworks flying through the air. This is what happened to a very Fire Element colleague of mine and her Wood Element husband, at an Easter dinner hosted at their house. As tensions got “hot” in the kitchen, she and her husband started pelting each other with fresh out of the oven dinner rolls, as their startled guests and her horrified mother looked on. Though, their guests took it in stride, even laughing about it later, her mother was not amused. Needless to say, future gathering were moved to her more grounded brother’s house.

And that brings us to Earth Element people. These folks are nurturing, calm and grounding. They are the givers, the incredibly kind, caring and reliable people. They have a strong sense of connection to others and community and you will often find them at the center of activity with family and friends. But this same quality can cause them to drain themselves by over giving and not ask for help when they need it, which can cause them to feel like a victim, or at the extreme, become resentful. When this happens, they can stop giving. They ofter to bring the casserole or shop for the gifts, but then they turn up empty handed.

My friend Margaret’s brother is a very Earthy guy, and he had stared to become drained from over extending himself. But as usual, he generously offered to pick her family up from the airport, when they returned from vacation. However, on the day of their flight home, as they were in route to the airport, he called to say he was tired and couldn’t make it, and told her to rent a car instead.

Metal Element folks are the visionaries. They are highly sensitive and adept at creating beauty and value out of the simplicity of the mundane. They have impeccable manners, notice every detail, and graciously adjust their energy to those around them. However, because they are so attuned to others energy and their surroundings, they can become moody and anxious. When this happens, they become overly sensitive to criticism, sharp with their words, or slip into denial. As in, “if we just don’t look at the elephant in the room, it isn’t there.”

My best friend from college had a very metal nature, and one night when we were on our way to meet up with friends, the muffler fell of her car. We heard a loud noise and saw sparks flying in the rearview mirror, and passerby’s were honking their horns trying to alert us to the dragging muffler. When I advised her that we should probably pull off to the side of the road, she just look at me and replied, “it’s fine, just turn up the radio and we won’t hear it anymore.”

And last but not least, we wind our way down to Water Element people. These are the innovators and adventurers. Powerful, deep, mysterious and intuitive. They carry a deep sense of wisdom. And although they appear easy going, Water Element people have strong independent natures and don’t easily share their thoughts or emotions with the outside world. In fact, under stress, they can become fearful or loose their voices. At the extreme, they can become paranoid or have the tendency to be quite secretive. Only telling you what they think you need to know.

The business manager at my husband’s former company had a lot of Water Element personality traits. He once cleverly opened some of his colleagues greeting cards at the annual holiday party, and used the gift cards inside to pay for a few rounds of drinks. He then secretly put the used gift cards back! Imagine the shock when those employees opened their greeting cards only to find a spent holiday bonus inside! (My husband was one of those employees.) Though he eventually, and quietly, left replacement cards on each of their desks a few weeks later… without any explanation.

So now, when I gather with my family and friends to celebrate the holidays, I find a nice comfortable chair and settle in to enjoy the season’s festivities. As I sip my glass of chardonnay and munch on a few hors d’oeuvres, I watch to see which of the Five Elements are going to be naughty or nice!

Wishing you all a joyful Holiday Season and a Happy New Year! See you in January!

Finding Meaning as a Stay-at-Home Mom

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Every morning, as I pour my morning coffee, I reach up and grab a small notecard that I keep hidden within my coffee mugs. On it, I’ve scribbled six important questions to ask myself before going about my daily tasks. One of those questions is, “Did I do my best to find meaning in my work, or in my life?” I had learned about these daily queries from one of the many inspirational podcasts that I listen to. But today, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that I have been doing it backwards.

I realized the questions are supposed to be asked before going to bed at night, not in the morning. They are meant to call attention to how we have moved throughout our day. Did I do my best to be fully present, achieve my goals (to be honest, did I even set goals), to be happy (happy, what’s that), and to be fully engaged (definitely a challenge)?

But when I ask those same questions in the morning, a funny thing happens. Rather than reflecting back on my day, I am sort of chasing after the answers. Because instead of finding meaning in the work I do, I spend my days looking for meaningful work to do.

Although there is nothing wrong with looking for something worthwhile to do, the problem is, I don’t think the work I am doing has much relevance. And nothing brought this point into sharper focus, than during my French conversation class.

We had been learning how to pronounce different professions in French, and our instructor asked us each to practice saying what our occupations were. As soon as she said it, I panicked. Oh no, I thought. She is going to ask me what I do for a living and I don’t have anything to say. I’m just a stat-at-home mom, and I’m not even that anymore because my daughter is now in college.

One by one, I listened as my classmates answered: an accountant, a computer programer a retired lawyer. When she got to me, I felt the slow flush of redness on my cheeks. “I guess you could say I’m a retired say-at-home mom,” I murmured, “because my daughter is away in college.” “It’s okay, you can say you’re a housewife,” my instructor cheerfully replied. Une femme au foyer, she announced to the class. And although the French do seem to have a way of making even the most mundane sound impressive, my heart just sank into my stomach.

I have trouble finding meaning in the ordinary stuff I do all day. Yes, it helps people, mainly my family, but it doesn’t feel like it is important enough of a contribution. I remember decades ago having lunch with a friend when our daughters were still in strollers, and I was rambling on and on about how I wanted to do something more with my life. She sternly looked over at me and flatly replied “why can’t you just accept that you’re a stay-at-home mom.”

Because the truth is, I am always trying to find meaning two stories up from where I am standing right now. But I am never going to find it there. Until I can learn to embrace the purpose in my everyday life, in the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, not the lofty goals and glamorous life I dream about, but the everyday life of an ordinary housewife, “une femme au foyer,” nothing else will matter. There is always a starting point, and maybe that starting point is accepting that what I am doing now is enough.

And maybe what I do is in fact more meaningful than I give myself credit for: keeping a household running smoothly, cooking good meals to keep my family and myself healthy, making sure bills get paid in time, making our home a peaceful and inspiring heaven…Maybe I enable good things to happen and that is good enough for us.

So instead of looking two stories up I’ll try to ground myself where I am standing right now. And rather than searching for that one meaningful role, I’ll remind myself to place value on the little choices and actions I make throughout the day, no matter how ordinary or mundane they sometimes feel.

And in the meantime, I’ll focus on energize the Knowledge and Self Cultivation area of the bagua, and while I’m at it, I might just place a couple pieces of rose quartz in theRelationship section too (aka the symbolic “Mother” domain in Feng Shui), after all, she is the Divine “Femme au foyer,” of the bagua map!

Stuck In The Muddy Mess Of Transformation

As I unpacked my new hairdryer and removed it from the box, I excitedly said to my husband, “oh my gosh, I love it! It’s teal.” I hadn’t paid much attention to the color when I ordered it, I just wanted that particular model. It is fascinating how this color keeps showing up in my life though, because it also happens to be one of the accent colors we chose for the refresh design in our bedroom and bathroom.

Interestingly, teal, green and light blue are the colors associated with the Wood Element in Feng Shui. Wood energy is symbolic of spring and new beginnings. It is also pretty good at breaking up the sometimes stuck energy of Earth. Curiously, those are precisely the colors that I seem to be drawing in. The synchronicity is spot on, because lately, I have been feeling completely stuck and rudderless, hopelessly in need of a change.

Somedays, it feels like the only meaningful work I do is making sure everyone has their laundry in the hamper by Friday, or having dinner on the table by six. Necessary, but not exactly groundbreaking work. Even getting out of the house to go to the mailbox can seem like a chore.

I happen to be going through a cycle of time the ancient Chinese referred to as, a year of transformation. In a year like this things can really become unclear, like staring down into a puddle of muddy water. And as if that is not difficult enough, it also happens to be colliding with that fact that I have just become an empty nester.

Though I have been studying this system for many years, and I know these cycles well, this one feels particularly challenging. It is like being in the middle of the ocean with no new land on the horizon. We have all been through it, those moments in life when we reach the end of something, a job, a relationship, kids going off to college, retirement, a milestone birthday. But those periods in the middle of uncertainty can seem quite expansive, between the end of one goal or phase in life, and the beginning of the next.

As much as I want to breakout of this stuck place I find myself in, I also know there is no way around it. Even though I would like nothing better than to sit down at the kitchen table on a Sunday afternoon with a cup of coffee, and just figure it all out, that is not going to happen.

So how do we keep moving when we find ourselves stuck, floating in the sea of uncertainty, unable to see where we are going? One way is to bring a little Wood Element in to break up the stuckness and get moving again.

We can introduce Wood’s energy into our spaces symbolically with color, plants or shapes, but we can also usher it in with action. Wood Element is all about action – beginning, middle, end – move on. And as is the case with Wood energy, continually seeking out new goals to pursue, we also may not just have one destination to follow. Instead of asking ourselves how to figure out what that one best solution or way out of stuckness is, maybe we should try coming up with three different scenarios (which coincidently, is also the number that represents Wood Element).

Although trying different things may seem obvious, when we can’t see where we are going and nothing is very clear, we need something to work on to bring us closer to that end goal. Breaking things down to create tiny little goal helps lift our spirits and brings us one step closer, and even just one step closer to that final goal, is an achievement when we are lingering in the middle.

But what if we have no idea where we want to go, or there is no final direction on the horizon, as is the case with me? That’s okay, it’s a call to action. Sometimes we are meant to slow down and reevaluate our life’s path. There always comes a point in time when we plateau, just as with an athlete or an artist, our muscles get used to the way we are performing. We get into a rut and we lose a little bit of our creativity in the process. At those moments in time, it can be good to just set it down, walk away and try something completely unrelated and different. And slowly, as the land starts to surface on the horizon again, we gain renewed enthusiasm and momentum.

But for now, I’ve just got to sit with my thoughts and let this transformation of life take root. And as my Chinese acupuncturist wisely says when I ruminate on a problem for too long, “no new Information is coming in, work on something else for a while.”