family – Elemental Energies

Groundhog Day

Trying to clear some space in my bedroom nightstand, I found some old journals that I thought I could tuck away in a new spot. Out of curiosity, I found myself flipping through the pages and what I discovered brought me great amusement. Though in retrospect, it probably should have horrified me.

“Audrey, come here,” I called out to my daughter in the other room. “You are not going to believe this!”

Page after page of my journal entries all said the same thing. Literally, the exact same complaints and manifestations. Almost in the exact same language. Continually over and over again. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day.

Okay, maybe that would not have been so bad if it had been in the last year or two, but these journals were written almost two decades, three states and three houses ago! Seriously, the exact same request and grievances. It didn’t matter if I was reading about life in New Jersey, New Mexico or Massachusetts. Same, same, same.

July 2011 – We never have anything to do on the 4th of July

August 2014 – We don’t have any friends

April 2009 – The neighbors are annoying, they are just trying to use us

September 2009 – I want to get a job in interior design and become a real estate agent

September 2009 – I want to start doing some Nine Star Ki readings

January 2008 through present – I don’t know what my purpose is

I could not help but laugh out loud! “Oh My God! This sounds like what I was just complaining about yesterday,” I said to my daughter, through fits of laughter.

“I think you may have an inaction problem,” she dryly responded

“I think you might be right!” I said, while pondering what a little smarty pants she has become at the ripe old age of twenty. “Let’s not tell your father about this one,” I suggested, as I tucked the journals away in the desk drawer. “He already complains that I am always talking about the same things.”

‘What are the stories you tell yourself?’, is what they always ask on my favorite psychology podcasts. And apparently, I am narrating the same ones over and over! But why? After a little reflection, though, I do have some theories.

When I started journaling those entries, I was going through a lot of stress. We were relocating from our home in New Jersey, where I had spent most of my life, because of my husbands new career. We were leaving behind friends and family to move cross-country to New Mexico, and then again a couple of years later to Massachusetts. So yeah, there was a little bit of stress and anxiety going on there.

Sometimes when we are going through a lot of stress or even depression, we get stuck in a rut, or as psychologist and neuroscientist Norman Farb says, we create a sort of mental default map. Though it helps us navigate stressful events by putting us on autopilot as we are moving through them, it can take over and suppress the sensory part of the brain. In other words, no new information can get through.

And if no new information is getting through, then there is nothing to breakup the stories we are telling ourselves, and replaying over and over in our heads. “We need to break the script and rediscover the path forward,” as Dr. Farb says. Sounds good, but how do we do that? Because I kind of want to get out of this mental loop! Mkay?

Fortunately, there are a few ways to try and reset the sensory part of our brains, such as check in with ourselves more, and pay attention to the rumination and negative thoughts that are replaying. The more you rerun the narrative, the more you relive the story. The more you say the neighbors are annoying the more annoying the neighbors become… for the next twenty years! That’s a bit long mate! It may be time to edit the story.

Instead, pay attention to what is going on in your life today, right now. When you are spiraling with rumination and negative thoughts, try to reconnect with the sensory part of the brain. Like how the cold bathroom tiles feel on your feet in the morning or the late afternoon sun on your face. Or how it feels when you are connecting with another person. This is a big one, because often, negative thoughts and rumination can cause us to disconnect from other people. Which can keep us stuck in the mental default map, and we all want to feel loved and accepted.

As for me, I am going to examine those repetitive thoughts and think about what is true and what needs to be rewritten.

We don’t do anything on the 4th of July – But we did do something on the 3rd of July

I’m pretty sure we have friends – (I just can’t find them, they must be hiding)

The neighbors aren’t so annoying – they sometimes even bring us good food

I don’t want to be a real estate agent – I’d rather write my blog instead

I’ve done tons of Nine Star Ki readings – I’ve just never been paid (but I’ve also never asked)

My purpose, ehh… well I’m still working on that one!

And as my acupuncturist always says when I am stuck in rumination a bit too much, “no new information is coming in, work on something else for a while.”

No Yelling, Please!

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I love Lindsay Gibson. Anytime I get to listen to a guest interview with her, I jump at the chance. She is a clinical psychologist and author of several books on emotional immaturity, including her bestseller, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This time, though, Lindsey was talking about her new book – How To Raise An Emotionally Mature Child. And as usual, she did not disappoint!

However, even though I really resonate with her thoughtful commentary and wise advise on emotional immaturity, there was one little sticking point that caught my attention during this interview. And I wasn’t the only one. All in the Mind podcast presenter, Sana Qadar struggled with it too. In fact, she admitted that it made her a little angry. Because, she’s done it, I know I’ve done it, and I am pretty sure everyone else has done it too.

In her new book, Lindsay lists several basic mindsets that contribute to raising an emotionally healthy child. Such as, your child has their own unique personality, emotional needs and their behavior is the way they are communicating those needs. All reasonably valid points, to which most parents would agree.

Then there are the absolutes. Behaviors that parents should absolutely avoid in order to help build emotional maturity in their children. Go with guidance rather that punishment. No hitting. Don’t berate or humiliate your child, to name a few, but then comes “Yelling is for emergencies only” – “wait, WHAT!” Sana exclaimed, “that one made me a little angry.”

Me too, not angry, exactly but shaking my head. Define emergency, Lindsay. Because when you are trying to get out of the house for an appointment and your kid is drawing all over your brick fireplace with crayons, or when your husband leaves the paint roller in the sink and your 17 month old grabs it and starts painting the floor of your new house in Benjamin Moore revere pewter, Yelling Happens! Just saying.

Does yelling mean we have failed as parents or at the very least, we’re doing parenting all wrong? Sure we should avoid it, but in those stressful moments, emotional regulation kind of goes out the window! But in her defense, Lindsay did say that we’ve all done it.

And we have definitely evolved. As Lindsay reminds us, past generations of the 40’s and 50’s were mainly concentrating on being properly authoritative for their children and just keeping a roof over their heads. Their emotional needs were certainly not being considered as much. Back then, everyone spanked and yelled at their kids. But there was also a lot of love and kindness in most of those families as well.

Even in the mid 60’s and early 70’s it was common to hit your kids. And not only was it the cultural norm but parents did it with what ever they could find, a wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer, or maybe a spatula. In fact, some folks even bought wooden paddle balls and let their kids play with them until the string broke, and then would use it for a spanking paddle. Think about that one for a minute or two. I just wonder what Lindsay would have to say about it now!

Of course, it was the 60’s after all, and no one really thought too much about it, because it was the cultural standard of the time. Most of those people were good, kind and loving parents. They were just following the norm, which thankfully, is no longer the norm. If fact, it was probably that generation of kids who changed the rules!

But yelling? …. Ehhh, I’m still having a bit of trouble with that one. I mean, I get that we shouldn’t do it, but in the heat of the moment it’s probably going to happen. And if it does get to that point, perhaps we should reflect on how we can do things differently. As Sana Qadar said, “I did go home and game plan: what else could I do in the morning?” And as annoying and unrealistic as she thought the advice was, thinking more deeply about what she could do otherwise, did work.

I do have a question for Lindsay, though. Do those same rules apply for spouses? Because if so, I have done a terrible job at raising mine! Maybe be your next book could be on how to raise an emotionally mature partner!

Painting Outside The Box

Photo by ADP – Winslow Homer Exhibit MFA Boston

Standing in the dark gallery filled with a sea of people, I struggle to get a close up view of the iconic watercolor paintings by Winslow Homer on display at the Museum of Fine Arts, in Boston. It is a stunning show of works, some of which have not been seen for decades. I love coming to the exhibitions. The abundant displays of art from all over the world inspire awe and inspiration for the many visitors that pass through the museum’s doors. And yes, for me as well. Yet the place that really ignites my imagination is in the artist’s studio. Where the quiet chaos slowly unfolds into the masterpieces that line the walls in these great galleries.

I delight in the smell of linseed oil and turpentine, mixed with fresh oil paint. And if I close my eyes I can still hear the faint sound of the old wood plank floors creaking underfoot, as I walked across my former high school art studio. It alway seemed dark and moody in there, steeped in the quiet turmoil of creativity. But what exactly makes a great piece of art? Why does one painting or work of art draw millions of visitors per year, yet another, perhaps even by the same artist… well, crickets.

I recently read this question in a magazine article. And although they had a few interesting ideas, they never really gave an answer. So, I decided to explore this notion for myself, starting with what I already know about artistic creators.

They are innovators, movers and shakers and ahead of their time. They see things differently, and the stories behind those works of art can be fascinating. Artist are not afraid to think outside the box. In fact, they were born to think outside the box.

Consider Elisabeth Vigee Le Brun. Not only was she a successful female artist in 18th century France, almost unheard of at the time, but she also seemed to be the mother of photoshop. Centuries before we were image editing our photos, she was using her gift of flattery to portray her clients in a more visually pleasing way. Shortening a nose here, strengthening a weak chin there and basically using her paintbrush to refine her patrons’ essences.

Or Caravaggio, the rebellious Italian painter from the 1500’s, with his inventive use of light and dark to create dramatic intensity. And his notorious use of ordinary people, to elevate the scenes of everyday life to canvas worthy masterpieces.

And who can forget Monet, the father of impressionism, and his revolutionary use of light and color? Or Van Gogh’s brush stroke portrayal of deeply displayed emotions?

Still, what makes one work of art more memorable than another? What is it that captures our attention and catapults it to fame? I believe it is the story. Behind every work of art there is a story, whether we consciously know it or not, we feel it. We recognize it. It moves us. Some profoundly more than others.

Since the beginning of time, humans have loved stories. Long before the written word ever existed, they were passed down orally generation to generation. Maybe around a campfire, or visually pictured on ancient cave walls. We learn from them, we are entertained by them, we cry and grow with them. They are as much apart of our lives as living. They are life.

And though I am no expert or art historian, for me that is just it. Artists take us on a journey with them, transporting us into the stories that they create. Is that a smile on Mona Lisa’s face, why is she looking so directly at us? Was that really the way the night sky swirled in 19th century France, or did Van Gogh just have a little too much wine with dinner that night? We are hooked. We are mesmerized. And then they leave us hanging, because we never truly know what the answer is or what the ending is supposed to be… That is solely up to our “artistic interpretation”. Because as with art and life, the finale is uniquely our own creation.

Green Bean And Lamb Stew

Lately, now that I have more time on my hands, I find myself in the kitchen a lot. Cooking has become like art to me, well, it is an art actually. I have become so curious that I find myself browsing though cookbooks in bookstores, and scanning food magazines while I wait in the grocery line. I’ve even taken up listening to a new podcast all about the science and history of food.

And though I may have been feeling the pull toward the culinary arts gradually, I realized that it wasn’t so new. I had always been interested in some form of cooking as far back as grade school. I remember being in my childhood kitchen trying to recreate a recipe for chip dip, that my mother had served at a party a few nights before. Diligently working to combining Miracle Whip with salt, pepper and any other spices I could find. Then there was the cake decorating class I took in the seventh grade, and the time I eagerly convinced my mother to teach me how to make her homemade macaroni and potato salads as a teenager.

I had somehow missed the fact that it wasn’t just the fine arts that intrigued me, but cooking as well. I like the idea of creating little edible masterpieces every time I’m in the kitchen. However, that being said, it has to be easy and it has to be fun. If it is a long drawn out process, recipes that take a great deal of time or are too complicated, I am kind of out. I’ll leave those to my husband!

Mostly it is just me having some fun, playing around and learning what works and what doesn’t. Purely everyday sort of stuff. Until, I got inspired by my favorite food podcast to try something a little more challenging.

After listen to an episode about the history of Chinese American food, I decided to dig a little deeper into my own ancestry and find out what culinary delights it might have to offer. Being a mixture of Irish, Scottish, Canadian and Lebanese it was hard to pick. But since I have always loved Italian food, I decided to go with the Mediterranean side. So, Lebanese it was.

As I explored the rich history of mediterranean food, I stumbled on Maureen Abood and her classic Lebanese Mediterranean cuisine. Perfect, I thought! And as I scrolled through her collection of recipes, it brought back fond memories of the “Syrian food” my Lebanese grandfather and his siblings used to bring to our family gathering on special occasions. The stuffed grape leaves, the Syrian bread, it was all so good!

It didn’t take much convincing for my husband, he was in! And after deciding on an easy dish we were off to the supermarket to source the ingredients for our green bean and lamb stew. It seemed to be about the right skill level for us. “I don’t think we can mess this up,” I confidently said to my husband.

Perhaps a little too simple, we thought, after returning from the store and surveying all the fixings. Hmm, is this going to be good, I mused? Of course, it was best that the recipe wasn’t too complicated, because there is nothing easy about the two of us working together in the kitchen… or anywhere for that matter. We are not good collaborators and I don’t share well when it comes to my kitchen… because it is my kitchen after all! Let’s just say the stew wasn’t the only thing quietly simmering away. But as the delightful aroma started to waft through the air, all was forgiven.

And the results? The green been and lamb stew was amazing! Lip smacking good!! It just goes to remind me that some of the best things in life are the simple, uncomplicated things. The moment making stuff. The mundane stuff I guess, except there was NOTHING mundane about that stew! My Lebanese grandfather would have been proud!

If you are interested in the recipe or want to learn more about Maureen and her Lebanese Mediterranean Cuisine, I have attached a link to her website: https://maureenabood.com/

Oh My Fluffy White Nemesis!

Recently I’ve written a lot about the Water Element. Maybe because here in the Northeast we are stuck in the throws of a particularly brutal winter. We’ve got more than we asked for in snow and frigid temperatures. In fact, if anyone needs some extra of either, we have plenty to spare!

I am not a winter enthusiast, I loathe it. As my husband will tell you, anytime we get an ounce of snow, I have a mini meltdown. I can’t tell you how many time my heart has sunk into my chest as I made my way down the stairs, only to look out at yet another unexpected snowfall blanketing the driveway. “It’s nature, you can’t control it,” my husband calmly, and ever so slightly amused, responds to my exasperation at the sight of my fluffy white nemesis.

Winter just feels so long and isolating. It is supposed to, I know. “But I have a lot of Fire Element in my personality and I need warmth and sun,” I grumbled to my friend Theresa, while we sipped on jalapeño martinis during a recent “girls night out” dinner. “Yeah, it’s been harsh,” she acknowledged, taking a bite of her pasta. “But come July, we are going to be whining about the sweltering 90 degree weather!” “Fair enough,” I agreed, as we switched the topic to AI.

And that’s just it, some people are fine with winter, the ones who like to hibernate in the basement playing video games or watching movies. Perhaps for the folks out on the ski slopes, or for those to whom social interaction and human contact is not such a big deal. Actually, for those people, too much human interaction can be a real drag on their nervous system. But those of us for which community and socialization are vital, the quiet solitude of winter can be a bit underwhelming and depressing.

In fact, solitude of any kind can be challenging for certain types of Fire Element personalities, especially if it represents their evolutionary path and core issue in life. These are the open-hearted individuals, for whom connecting with others is essential. But sometimes, in their zeal to make others feel loved and seen, this same trait can make them a bit of a pleaser. And hidden beneath that, lies the fear of rejection.

One of my favorite 9 Star Ki mentors told such a story about a client of their’s, who they had worked with many years ago. The client had recently moved to a new city and felt lonely and isolated. In her desire to make new friends, she often spent hours sitting in the office of her apartment complex listening to people come in and spew out all their problems. However, she did not get paid to sit and listen to these people, and they were not her friends. They just came to unload their frustrations and leave feeling better.

Because her heart was so open and she craved friends, she lacked discernment and boundaries. Instead of finding new friends, she became a lonely service provider. And the fear of rejection resulted in her spending too much time in the office, which prevented her from discovering healthier relationships, and more enjoyable ways to socialize.

But fortunately, with some gentle coaching from my 9 Star Ki mentor, she eventually did move on from the office, and found more pleasurable ways to meet people.

As for me, I think I’ll hideout in the warmth of my cozy kitchen. Imagining balmy summer days, while creating savory suppers and comfort food to enjoy with my family and friends. And as we gather around the table in the solace of good company, we’ll raise our jalapeño martinis in a toast to the coming spring.

So take that my fluffy white nemesis! Even though Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter, you can’t hold off those daffodils forever! And as for old man winter, yeah… I don’t think we’re going to be friends.

Understanding Our Energetic Roadmap

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For many people, the new year begins in January, with fresh expectations and newly minted goals in hand. But for me, February is when I start to think about the year ahead. And it’s not so much about the goals or achievements that I am pondering, but rather the questions I will ask of the coming year.

Because in the astrological system of 9 Star Ki, February 4th begins the shift. And with it comes distinctively new energetic patterns and “homework,” for each year. I have found it to be a valuable and interesting way to look back at the year that has just ended and gain insight into the year that is emerging. It helps us to decide if it’s the best time to push forward or to rest and reflect. Sometimes with jaw dropping accuracy, and at other times, with a simple shrug and a “yeah, that happened.”

And in 2025, I was in one of those quiet reflective years. It is called a year of “transformation,” but to me it felt more like being stuck in the mud. Thick mud, the kind your boots get stuck in on an early spring day, when the snow starts to melt. Moving forward was an enormous effort and nothing seemed clear. Communication can be difficult in a year like this, and little details can be missed. And even though I knew this going in, it still happened.

In September, while attending a one time blogging class, I was discussing my work with the 9 Star Ki, when couple of interested classmates asked me for my website information. Later, as I was recounting the events of the evening to my husband, he looked at me with mild irritation and replied, “you gave them the wrong website name!” And sure enough, I had. Those pesky little “details!”

However, even though 9 Star Ki is a remarkable way to understand our energetic patterns and yearly cycles, it is not a fortune cookie or an immutable predictor of fate. We still have to do the work. Essentially, it is a tool that shows us our energetic “weather” for the year.

But precisely because it is so accurate, it can be tempting to rely on it a bit too much, and instead treat it as a way of life. The same can be true of Feng Shui, Western Astrology or any of the instruments we use to help us navigate our journey in life. When I first started studying this system, I did just that.

In late winter of 2011, my husband started a new career path that required our family to relocate from New Jersey to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Though I knew the move would be stressful, I was more amazed at the accuracy of the energetic pattern, than surprised. I had just entered a season of rapid growth and change, and I figured why not? Let’s just go for it, and so we did.

Of course, as with any move, especially a major one, there were challenges. But when the dust settled, we started to make friends and form a new community. However, in the spring of 2013, when my husband had entered into the same cycle of change that I had been in two years prior, his company abruptly moved his entire group back east.

The challenge, besides the fact that we were facing yet another cross country move, was that I wasn’t in a year of change. In fact, I was in an “eye of the hurricane,” as Jean Haner, the author of Your Hidden Symmetry, calls it. And the advice for the year is to stay put!

I panicked. “What am I to do?” I pleaded with my 9 Star Ki teacher, “I can’t move, it’s the wrong year!” Though she did not seem too concerned, because it was the “eye of the hurricane” after all, and her advice was simple. “Just don’t take the lead, let your husband handle the big details,” she replied. “Give yourself some extra time and expect that there might be some complications.”

Well, not only didn’t I take the lead, I completely gave it to my husband (which is not what she told me to do, by the way). I followed the script for the year a little too closely and ended up giving myself a lot of complication. Complications that lasted years, because not only was he in a year of change, but he was also in a year where he could be impulsive. And he impulsively bought a house… without me. As you might imagine, this did not go well for either of us!

The point is, I wasn’t supposed to give my power up because a 9 Star Ki yearly cycle advised not to move. Life happens. What I was supposed to do is expect that there might be some extra challenges. Instead, I took it too literally and got a house and a community that wasn’t the best fit. And as my wise Five Element acupuncturist always reminds me, “it is meant to be a tool, not a way of life.”

And that is exactly I how I approach the 9 Star Ki energetic cycles now. With wonder and curiosity. A way to look back, reflect, and gain some insight, and maybe even do a little yearly homework. But mostly as a valuable roadmap on my journey through time.

Everyday Cooking: The Art of Simple Suppers

Cooking has a kind of effortless feel to me. However, not the big extravagant holiday meals, those simply exhaust me. Rather, it is the everyday suppers that I look forward to preparing. There is a certain sort of creativity and experimentation to it.

In fact, every morning one of the first things I think about when I am getting ready for the day is, “what’s for supper tonight?” As I start planning, I do a visual inventory of what is in the refrigerator. I love to take what is already there, the leftovers, the things that are about to expire or that no one will eat and start imagining how I’ll make it all come together.

Most of the time my creations are a win, however, there are a few that are less than appreciated by my family. I have definitely presented my fair share of flops. Like the time I decided to throw the leftover Thanksgiving cranberries in with the salmon. My daughter refused to even try it.

Or my infamous “scarlet quiche.” An intricate mixture of eggs, half and half, tomato paste, basil and mozzarella cheese. And as one might have expected, it received less than stellar reviews. Instead, it was more like shock and disgust… “I think you may have gone a bit to far with this one,” my husband observed, as he took a tentative bite, and contorted his face. Though his French mother, who is an amazing home cook, humorously said it was a good idea. Which in retrospect, probably should have clued me in that is wasn’t going to work out so well.

However, I do have some wins. Like my white pizza with pepperoni and sausage or my Thursday night enchiladas with all of the weeks leftovers mixed with cheddar cheese and sour cream. Seriously, those are really good, and believe it or not, a crowd pleaser. At least with my crowd of three, that is. I haven’t been brave enough to try it on company yet.

And It is the meals that I nail that keep me interested in the game. That is rather what it is to me, a sort of game. I take what no one wants to eat and create (hopefully), something delicious. But there is another reason why I love to be in the kitchen cooking everyday meals. There is a rythm to it. The chopping of the veggies, the mixing of ingredients and sauces. It’s like creating a work of art, and I can get lost in the flow of it.

Unlike painting, where my mind starts to quiet and settle, and the day’s rumination slip away with every swirl of the paint brush. Instead, I become energized with each stir of the spoon, sprinkle of spice or shake of salt and pepper. And the anticipation of the outcome, will it look good, will it be edible, and the forever discerning critique of my family animates me, and keeps me going.

But most importantly, the kitchen is a space all my own, where I can create anything I desire. Sure, my other family members use the space, but not as much or in the same way as I do. Except on the holidays when my husband decides to cook (and oh brother!), that is another whole blog post of it’s own. Some good French food on the table but a complete disaster in the kitchen! And guess who gets to clean up that mess?!

So yeah, it is the practical preparation of the ordinary meals that I really enjoy. It is the easy, simple stuff, and just being in the moment of absolute creativity. Perfection doesn’t exist and mistakes don’t matter, only an effortless delight. I’ll save the fancy French cuisine for my husband! Bon Appetite!

Holiday Elemental Emotions – Naughty or Nice?

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Ah, the holiday season is upon us and with it comes all the joys, or rather, challenges of the grumpier side of the Five Elements.

One of the most useful parts of my studies in Nine Star Ki, has been being able to navigate the holidays and those sometimes (let’s be real – most of the time) challenging personalities of family. It has been such a great tool for me in learning how not to take things too personally.

Because there is always that sibling who has a blowup every year, the critical aunt who nitpicks every detail or the nosy brother in-law who asks too many questions. And none of us are the best version of ourselves under stress and the season’s festivities can sometimes wake up the peppery side of our emotional patterns.

So, I thought I would make a list of the “naughty and nice” attributes of each of the Five Element during the holiday season. Feel free to use this as a guide at your own holiday gatherings with friends and family. Maybe even having a little fun with it, to see if you can tell which Element is being nice or naughty!

Wood Element folks are the creative, optimistic go getter people. “Beginning, middle, end, move on,” is their motto. They definitely get things done. But under pressure or feeling blocked, the emotional nature of Wood can snap and become easily frustrated, impatient or at the extreme, angry. However, like a loud clap of thunder, their outbursts usually pass quickly. And while the rest of us non Wood Element people try and settle our nerves, they can easily bounce back to their optimistic selves, and wonder why everyone else is so upset.

Fire Element people are lovable, warm and charming. They are animated and humorous, always cracking little jokes to lighten the mood. Truly the life of the party. But on the emotional side, when they get overexcited, anxious or feel rejected there can be big drama! Usually resulting in tears but at the extreme a dramatic explosion of emotion!

Such as a display of dinner roll fireworks flying through the air. This is what happened to a very Fire Element colleague of mine and her Wood Element husband, at an Easter dinner hosted at their house. As tensions got “hot” in the kitchen, she and her husband started pelting each other with fresh out of the oven dinner rolls, as their startled guests and her horrified mother looked on. Though, their guests took it in stride, even laughing about it later, her mother was not amused. Needless to say, future gathering were moved to her more grounded brother’s house.

And that brings us to Earth Element people. These folks are nurturing, calm and grounding. They are the givers, the incredibly kind, caring and reliable people. They have a strong sense of connection to others and community and you will often find them at the center of activity with family and friends. But this same quality can cause them to drain themselves by over giving and not ask for help when they need it, which can cause them to feel like a victim, or at the extreme, become resentful. When this happens, they can stop giving. They ofter to bring the casserole or shop for the gifts, but then they turn up empty handed.

My friend Margaret’s brother is a very Earthy guy, and he had stared to become drained from over extending himself. But as usual, he generously offered to pick her family up from the airport, when they returned from vacation. However, on the day of their flight home, as they were in route to the airport, he called to say he was tired and couldn’t make it, and told her to rent a car instead.

Metal Element folks are the visionaries. They are highly sensitive and adept at creating beauty and value out of the simplicity of the mundane. They have impeccable manners, notice every detail, and graciously adjust their energy to those around them. However, because they are so attuned to others energy and their surroundings, they can become moody and anxious. When this happens, they become overly sensitive to criticism, sharp with their words, or slip into denial. As in, “if we just don’t look at the elephant in the room, it isn’t there.”

My best friend from college had a very metal nature, and one night when we were on our way to meet up with friends, the muffler fell of her car. We heard a loud noise and saw sparks flying in the rearview mirror, and passerby’s were honking their horns trying to alert us to the dragging muffler. When I advised her that we should probably pull off to the side of the road, she just look at me and replied, “it’s fine, just turn up the radio and we won’t hear it anymore.”

And last but not least, we wind our way down to Water Element people. These are the innovators and adventurers. Powerful, deep, mysterious and intuitive. They carry a deep sense of wisdom. And although they appear easy going, Water Element people have strong independent natures and don’t easily share their thoughts or emotions with the outside world. In fact, under stress, they can become fearful or loose their voices. At the extreme, they can become paranoid or have the tendency to be quite secretive. Only telling you what they think you need to know.

The business manager at my husband’s former company had a lot of Water Element personality traits. He once cleverly opened some of his colleagues greeting cards at the annual holiday party, and used the gift cards inside to pay for a few rounds of drinks. He then secretly put the used gift cards back! Imagine the shock when those employees opened their greeting cards only to find a spent holiday bonus inside! (My husband was one of those employees.) Though he eventually, and quietly, left replacement cards on each of their desks a few weeks later… without any explanation.

So now, when I gather with my family and friends to celebrate the holidays, I find a nice comfortable chair and settle in to enjoy the season’s festivities. As I sip my glass of chardonnay and munch on a few hors d’oeuvres, I watch to see which of the Five Elements are going to be naughty or nice!

Wishing you all a joyful Holiday Season and a Happy New Year! See you in January!

Finding Meaning as a Stay-at-Home Mom

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Every morning, as I pour my morning coffee, I reach up and grab a small notecard that I keep hidden within my coffee mugs. On it, I’ve scribbled six important questions to ask myself before going about my daily tasks. One of those questions is, “Did I do my best to find meaning in my work, or in my life?” I had learned about these daily queries from one of the many inspirational podcasts that I listen to. But today, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that I have been doing it backwards.

I realized the questions are supposed to be asked before going to bed at night, not in the morning. They are meant to call attention to how we have moved throughout our day. Did I do my best to be fully present, achieve my goals (to be honest, did I even set goals), to be happy (happy, what’s that), and to be fully engaged (definitely a challenge)?

But when I ask those same questions in the morning, a funny thing happens. Rather than reflecting back on my day, I am sort of chasing after the answers. Because instead of finding meaning in the work I do, I spend my days looking for meaningful work to do.

Although there is nothing wrong with looking for something worthwhile to do, the problem is, I don’t think the work I am doing has much relevance. And nothing brought this point into sharper focus, than during my French conversation class.

We had been learning how to pronounce different professions in French, and our instructor asked us each to practice saying what our occupations were. As soon as she said it, I panicked. Oh no, I thought. She is going to ask me what I do for a living and I don’t have anything to say. I’m just a stat-at-home mom, and I’m not even that anymore because my daughter is now in college.

One by one, I listened as my classmates answered: an accountant, a computer programer a retired lawyer. When she got to me, I felt the slow flush of redness on my cheeks. “I guess you could say I’m a retired say-at-home mom,” I murmured, “because my daughter is away in college.” “It’s okay, you can say you’re a housewife,” my instructor cheerfully replied. Une femme au foyer, she announced to the class. And although the French do seem to have a way of making even the most mundane sound impressive, my heart just sank into my stomach.

I have trouble finding meaning in the ordinary stuff I do all day. Yes, it helps people, mainly my family, but it doesn’t feel like it is important enough of a contribution. I remember decades ago having lunch with a friend when our daughters were still in strollers, and I was rambling on and on about how I wanted to do something more with my life. She sternly looked over at me and flatly replied “why can’t you just accept that you’re a stay-at-home mom.”

Because the truth is, I am always trying to find meaning two stories up from where I am standing right now. But I am never going to find it there. Until I can learn to embrace the purpose in my everyday life, in the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, not the lofty goals and glamorous life I dream about, but the everyday life of an ordinary housewife, “une femme au foyer,” nothing else will matter. There is always a starting point, and maybe that starting point is accepting that what I am doing now is enough.

And maybe what I do is in fact more meaningful than I give myself credit for: keeping a household running smoothly, cooking good meals to keep my family and myself healthy, making sure bills get paid in time, making our home a peaceful and inspiring heaven…Maybe I enable good things to happen and that is good enough for us.

So instead of looking two stories up I’ll try to ground myself where I am standing right now. And rather than searching for that one meaningful role, I’ll remind myself to place value on the little choices and actions I make throughout the day, no matter how ordinary or mundane they sometimes feel.

And in the meantime, I’ll focus on energize the Knowledge and Self Cultivation area of the bagua, and while I’m at it, I might just place a couple pieces of rose quartz in theRelationship section too (aka the symbolic “Mother” domain in Feng Shui), after all, she is the Divine “Femme au foyer,” of the bagua map!

Stuck In The Muddy Mess Of Transformation

As I unpacked my new hairdryer and removed it from the box, I excitedly said to my husband, “oh my gosh, I love it! It’s teal.” I hadn’t paid much attention to the color when I ordered it, I just wanted that particular model. It is fascinating how this color keeps showing up in my life though, because it also happens to be one of the accent colors we chose for the refresh design in our bedroom and bathroom.

Interestingly, teal, green and light blue are the colors associated with the Wood Element in Feng Shui. Wood energy is symbolic of spring and new beginnings. It is also pretty good at breaking up the sometimes stuck energy of Earth. Curiously, those are precisely the colors that I seem to be drawing in. The synchronicity is spot on, because lately, I have been feeling completely stuck and rudderless, hopelessly in need of a change.

Somedays, it feels like the only meaningful work I do is making sure everyone has their laundry in the hamper by Friday, or having dinner on the table by six. Necessary, but not exactly groundbreaking work. Even getting out of the house to go to the mailbox can seem like a chore.

I happen to be going through a cycle of time the ancient Chinese referred to as, a year of transformation. In a year like this things can really become unclear, like staring down into a puddle of muddy water. And as if that is not difficult enough, it also happens to be colliding with that fact that I have just become an empty nester.

Though I have been studying this system for many years, and I know these cycles well, this one feels particularly challenging. It is like being in the middle of the ocean with no new land on the horizon. We have all been through it, those moments in life when we reach the end of something, a job, a relationship, kids going off to college, retirement, a milestone birthday. But those periods in the middle of uncertainty can seem quite expansive, between the end of one goal or phase in life, and the beginning of the next.

As much as I want to breakout of this stuck place I find myself in, I also know there is no way around it. Even though I would like nothing better than to sit down at the kitchen table on a Sunday afternoon with a cup of coffee, and just figure it all out, that is not going to happen.

So how do we keep moving when we find ourselves stuck, floating in the sea of uncertainty, unable to see where we are going? One way is to bring a little Wood Element in to break up the stuckness and get moving again.

We can introduce Wood’s energy into our spaces symbolically with color, plants or shapes, but we can also usher it in with action. Wood Element is all about action – beginning, middle, end – move on. And as is the case with Wood energy, continually seeking out new goals to pursue, we also may not just have one destination to follow. Instead of asking ourselves how to figure out what that one best solution or way out of stuckness is, maybe we should try coming up with three different scenarios (which coincidently, is also the number that represents Wood Element).

Although trying different things may seem obvious, when we can’t see where we are going and nothing is very clear, we need something to work on to bring us closer to that end goal. Breaking things down to create tiny little goal helps lift our spirits and brings us one step closer, and even just one step closer to that final goal, is an achievement when we are lingering in the middle.

But what if we have no idea where we want to go, or there is no final direction on the horizon, as is the case with me? That’s okay, it’s a call to action. Sometimes we are meant to slow down and reevaluate our life’s path. There always comes a point in time when we plateau, just as with an athlete or an artist, our muscles get used to the way we are performing. We get into a rut and we lose a little bit of our creativity in the process. At those moments in time, it can be good to just set it down, walk away and try something completely unrelated and different. And slowly, as the land starts to surface on the horizon again, we gain renewed enthusiasm and momentum.

But for now, I’ve just got to sit with my thoughts and let this transformation of life take root. And as my Chinese acupuncturist wisely says when I ruminate on a problem for too long, “no new Information is coming in, work on something else for a while.”