Recently I’ve written a lot about the Water Element. Maybe because here in the Northeast we are stuck in the throws of a particularly brutal winter. We’ve got more than we asked for in snow and frigid temperatures. In fact, if anyone needs some extra of either, we have plenty to spare!
I am not a winter enthusiast, I loathe it. As my husband will tell you, anytime we get an ounce of snow, I have a mini meltdown. I can’t tell you how many time my heart has sunk into my chest as I made my way down the stairs, only to look out at yet another unexpected snowfall blanketing the driveway. “It’s nature, you can’t control it,” my husband calmly, and ever so slightly amused, responds to my exasperation at the sight of my fluffy white nemesis.
Winter just feels so long and isolating. It is supposed to, I know. “But I have a lot of Fire Element in my personality and I need warmth and sun,” I grumbled to my friend Theresa, while we sipped on jalapeño martinis during a recent “girls night out” dinner. “Yeah, it’s been harsh,” she acknowledged, taking a bite of her pasta. “But come July, we are going to be whining about the sweltering 90 degree weather!” “Fair enough,” I agreed, as we switched the topic to AI.
And that’s just it, some people are fine with winter, the ones who like to hibernate in the basement playing video games or watching movies. Perhaps for the folks out on the ski slopes, or for those to whom social interaction and human contact is not such a big deal. Actually, for those people, too much human interaction can be a real drag on their nervous system. But those of us for which community and socialization are vital, the quiet solitude of winter can be a bit underwhelming and depressing.
In fact, solitude of any kind can be challenging for certain types of Fire Element personalities, especially if it represents their evolutionary path and core issue in life. These are the open-hearted individuals, for whom connecting with others is essential. But sometimes, in their zeal to make others feel loved and seen, this same trait can make them a bit of a pleaser. And hidden beneath that, lies the fear of rejection.
One of my favorite 9 Star Ki mentors told such a story about a client of their’s, who they had worked with many years ago. The client had recently moved to a new city and felt lonely and isolated. In her desire to make new friends, she often spent hours sitting in the office of her apartment complex listening to people come in and spew out all their problems. However, she did not get paid to sit and listen to these people, and they were not her friends. They just came to unload their frustrations and leave feeling better.
Because her heart was so open and she craved friends, she lacked discernment and boundaries. Instead of finding new friends, she became a lonely service provider. And the fear of rejection resulted in her spending too much time in the office, which prevented her from discovering healthier relationships, and more enjoyable ways to socialize.
But fortunately, with some gentle coaching from my 9 Star Ki mentor, she eventually did move on from the office, and found more pleasurable ways to meet people.
As for me, I think I’ll hideout in the warmth of my cozy kitchen. Imagining balmy summer days, while creating savory suppers and comfort food to enjoy with my family and friends. And as we gather around the table in the solace of good company, we’ll raise our jalapeño martinis in a toast to the coming spring.
So take that my fluffy white nemesis! Even though Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter, you can’t hold off those daffodils forever! And as for old man winter, yeah… I don’t think we’re going to be friends.
Lately, I have been drawn to watercolor painting, and as I sat mixing shades for my latest project, It occurred to me how similar the 5 Elements and primary colors are. Each has a unique foundation, an underlying basis or principle that can not be created. But they can be altered by mixing and fusing with each other, to produce unique and beautiful one of a kind hues, or Elemental patterns.
Just as a well trained artist knows how to bring a composition to life, skillfully using pigments and tone to create beauty and interest, or invoke our emotions. So too, do the Five Elements dance with each other to create fascinating patterns, personality traits, and colorful code words.
And I see and hear those patterns, traits and vivid code words everywhere. I almost can’t help it. An occupational hazard, I guess. In fact, a few days ago while I was listening to one of my favorite psychology podcasts, it happened again! The guest was inadvertently using so many descriptive Elemental code words to describe her work, that I actually couldn’t focus on what she was saying anymore. I felt compelled to pause the podcast and try to look up her numbers. Fortunately, she was a professor at a prominent university, and I was able to find her birthdate.
But even if I couldn’t have gotten her numbers, I was pretty sure I knew what her Elements were. Sometimes our Elemental traits speak so strongly, that it is almost impossible to miss. As was the case with this professor.
Indeed, she was predominantly Water Element. Of course, she also had some Earth and Metal Elements in her nature, but her Water was definitely talking throughout the interview.
From the beginning, her story captivated me, especially how firmly it linked with the Water Element. She holds a Ph.D in behavioral decision research and on this episode of the podcast she was discussing the cost of concealment. Her research suggests that the secrets we keep hidden from others can erode our connections and clog our mental space. (Water erodes, think of the Grand Canyon and the brain is actually associated with the Water Element.) And as she explained, we do this out of lack of trust, or fear that we will be judged by others.
Hmm… concealment, hidden secrets, erosion, fear, I thought. All associated with the Water Element, and the fact that she has chosen to make a career out of this particular research, fascinating! Water folks love to dwell in the covert deep abyss of the unknown, and they can be extremely secretive and distrustful, especially when they get hurt.
But for me, the most interesting part of her story was when she described an incident that happened years before at a “rookie” academic job fair, involving what she termed “mutual self disclosure.” Which is the reciprocal, voluntary sharing of personal information, feelings or experiences, as a way to build trust and intimacy. And in her words, she had a “reciprocity fail.”
Fresh out of college and seeking a career in academia, she attended the robust event at a large hotel, where all universities that are recruiting rent out suites. Every hour on the hour, all the candidates move from room to room pitching themselves and presenting their research.
As she is waiting for the elevator to go to yet another suite, the doors open and she steps inside and notices there is only one other job candidate on the lift. As the steel doors close, she wearily looks at the the man, and utters that she is completely exhausted from the days events, hoping he will commiserate with her, and they can have a shared moment of friendship. But he doesn’t. Instead, he straightens up and cheerfully responds, “oh this is such a fun opportunity to get senior faculty to weigh in on all of my research! It is just so amazing!” Reciprocity fail.
But the thing is, he’s probably Wood Element, possibly even mixed with some Fire Element. Mingling with the senior staff, being able to present his stuff, get some valuable feedback, perhaps even set some new goals… it likely was energizing and awesome for him.
However, she is Water Element, and being around all those people in such a structured, fast paced environment, was exhausting for her. As I perceived it, it wasn’t so much a “reciprocity fail,” as much as an Elemental patterns mishap or rather mismatch. It’s probably not that he didn’t take the olive branch or mean to shut her down, he just didn’t experience the event in the same way. But as she noted, the sting of that encounter still lingers.
And it would. For Water Element folks, the “sting” can last a very long time. They tend to “lose their voice” and trust when they get hurt. At the extreme, they disengage or disappear from the relationship. As was the case for the professor. Even though she admits they regularly see each other at conferences, and she acknowledges that he’s probably “a very nice guy,” she never again felt the desire to “chat him up.” Imagine if they had just understood each other’s Elemental patterns, they could have been life long friends!
In winter life seems quiet and hidden. Bare tree branches are etched across the sky and layers of snow blanket the frozen ground. But deep beneath the surface, concealed in the cold, dark earth, transformation is happening as the seeds slowly begin to grow and strengthen, silently waiting for the coming of spring.
And like the small trickle of melting snow winding its way down the mountain slope, softly moving around obstacles and joining together with more droplets to create rivers that slowly carve and shape the earth, water is determined.
Powerful, deep, mysterious and persistent – this is the essence of the Water Element. In human life, these are the intuitive, courageous and adventurous people. They carry a deep inner wisdom and can be quite philosophical and innovative. And although they appear easy going, Water Element people have strong independent natures, and don’t easily share their thoughts or emotions with the outside world. In fact, they can be quite secretive.
Water people need a great deal of freedom and flexibility in life. It can be torture for them to be stuck in a 9 to 5 job wearing a suit every day. In fact, they would actually prefer to be working horizontally. Whether lounging on the sofa, bed or recliner, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s not sitting at a desk!
One familiar pattern of Water Element people is their ability to push through difficult situations. They have tremendous courage and tenacity, but they can be challenged by the emotion of fear. Water Energy is about the unknown. It’s a deep, dark mysterious world beneath the surface, and fear is alway about the unknown. Water people carry this essence within them and under stress they can withdraw or become overly cautious and unable to move forward or make decisions. At the extreme, they may even become afraid to communicate their feelings.
A peek into the Water Element Personality:
Once, when I was on a plane traveling to North Carolina, I was seated next to a woman in her early 60’s. She’d noticed that I was reading a book about the Nine Star Ki, and as the plane started to land, her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked me about the book. After I gave her a brief description of the Ki and the Five Elements, she began to tell me her story.
Her career required her to travel a lot and and she loved it, but she wanted to retire. When I asked her why she didn’t, she told me about her husband who had been out of work for quite some time, and how he had secretly taken most of the money out of her retirement fund and spent it. Of course, once she found out, she filed for divorce, but now she would have to work longer than she had planned to. As I do with almost everyone I meet, I asked for her birthdate and gave her a quick description of her energetic patterns and the yearly cycle she was in. But when I explained her husband’s patterns and his yearly cycle, well, she was kind of stunned. She was Wood Element, and he was Water Element. And sometimes Water Element people have the tendency to be very secretive under stress and only tell you what they think you need to know. And this is just what happened. He was secretly and slowly taking the money over time, and like water gradually leaking out of a swimming pool, he literally “drained” her bank account. He was also in a 9 Fire year, which is a year of illumination and if you are hiding something that you don’t want to be seen, it can more easily come to light.
Although we had limited time to delve into her situation, she was astonished by the accuracy of the Nine Star Ki and how it illuminated some of the challenges she faced with her husband.
Ah, the holiday season is upon us and with it comes all the joys, or rather, challenges of the grumpier side of the Five Elements.
One of the most useful parts of my studies in Nine Star Ki, has been being able to navigate the holidays and those sometimes (let’s be real – most of the time) challenging personalities of family. It has been such a great tool for me in learning how not to take things too personally.
Because there is always that sibling who has a blowup every year, the critical aunt who nitpicks every detail or the nosy brother in-law who asks too many questions. And none of us are the best version of ourselves under stress and the season’s festivities can sometimes wake up the peppery side of our emotional patterns.
So, I thought I would make a list of the “naughty and nice” attributes of each of the Five Element during the holiday season. Feel free to use this as a guide at your own holiday gatherings with friends and family. Maybe even having a little fun with it, to see if you can tell which Element is being nice or naughty!
Wood Element folks are the creative, optimistic go getter people. “Beginning, middle, end, move on,” is their motto. They definitely get things done. But under pressure or feeling blocked, the emotional nature of Wood can snap and become easily frustrated, impatient or at the extreme, angry. However, like a loud clap of thunder, their outbursts usually pass quickly. And while the rest of us non Wood Element people try and settle our nerves, they can easily bounce back to their optimistic selves, and wonder why everyone else is so upset.
Fire Element people are lovable, warm and charming. They are animated and humorous, always cracking little jokes to lighten the mood. Truly the life of the party. But on the emotional side, when they get overexcited, anxious or feel rejected there can be big drama! Usually resulting in tears but at the extreme a dramatic explosion of emotion!
Such as a display of dinner roll fireworks flying through the air. This is what happened to a very Fire Element colleague of mine and her Wood Element husband, at an Easter dinner hosted at their house. As tensions got “hot” in the kitchen, she and her husband started pelting each other with fresh out of the oven dinner rolls, as their startled guests and her horrified mother looked on. Though, their guests took it in stride, even laughing about it later, her mother was not amused. Needless to say, future gathering were moved to her more grounded brother’s house.
And that brings us to Earth Element people. These folks are nurturing, calm and grounding. They are the givers, the incredibly kind, caring and reliable people. They have a strong sense of connection to others and community and you will often find them at the center of activity with family and friends. But this same quality can cause them to drain themselves by over giving and not ask for help when they need it, which can cause them to feel like a victim, or at the extreme, become resentful. When this happens, they can stop giving. They ofter to bring the casserole or shop for the gifts, but then they turn up empty handed.
My friend Margaret’s brother is a very Earthy guy, and he had stared to become drained from over extending himself. But as usual, he generously offered to pick her family up from the airport, when they returned from vacation. However, on the day of their flight home, as they were in route to the airport, he called to say he was tired and couldn’t make it, and told her to rent a car instead.
Metal Element folks are the visionaries. They are highly sensitive and adept at creating beauty and value out of the simplicity of the mundane. They have impeccable manners, notice every detail, and graciously adjust their energy to those around them. However, because they are so attuned to others energy and their surroundings, they can become moody and anxious. When this happens, they become overly sensitive to criticism, sharp with their words, or slip into denial. As in, “if we just don’t look at the elephant in the room, it isn’t there.”
My best friend from college had a very metal nature, and one night when we were on our way to meet up with friends, the muffler fell of her car. We heard a loud noise and saw sparks flying in the rearview mirror, and passerby’s were honking their horns trying to alert us to the dragging muffler. When I advised her that we should probably pull off to the side of the road, she just look at me and replied, “it’s fine, just turn up the radio and we won’t hear it anymore.”
And last but not least, we wind our way down to Water Element people. These are the innovators and adventurers. Powerful, deep, mysterious and intuitive. They carry a deep sense of wisdom. And although they appear easy going, Water Element people have strong independent natures and don’t easily share their thoughts or emotions with the outside world. In fact, under stress, they can become fearful or loose their voices. At the extreme, they can become paranoid or have the tendency to be quite secretive. Only telling you what they think you need to know.
The business manager at my husband’s former company had a lot of Water Element personality traits. He once cleverly opened some of his colleagues greeting cards at the annual holiday party, and used the gift cards inside to pay for a few rounds of drinks. He then secretly put the used gift cards back! Imagine the shock when those employees opened their greeting cards only to find a spent holiday bonus inside! (My husband was one of those employees.) Though he eventually, and quietly, left replacement cards on each of their desks a few weeks later… without any explanation.
So now, when I gather with my family and friends to celebrate the holidays, I find a nice comfortable chair and settle in to enjoy the season’s festivities. As I sip my glass of chardonnay and munch on a few hors d’oeuvres, I watch to see which of the Five Elements are going to be naughty or nice!
Wishing you all a joyful Holiday Season and a Happy New Year! See you in January!
Personal stories of simple changes that are as unique and inspiring as the people who created them. I have a great appreciation for the everyday stories of friends and family and their journeys to create change.
Many years ago when I lived in Albuquerque, I had a very Earthy and Water element friend who had such a love for books. Her Earth Element nature loved to “collect” things and one of the ways that showed up in her Water element was in the choice of what she was collecting. Water Element people like to surround themselves with deep wisdom and sometimes that can show up as clutter around books and papers.
Katie was constantly buying books, more books than she actually had room for. On any given weekend you could find her at the local bookstore pouring over the latest self-help books. Always buying at least one to bring home to add to the pile she had strewn across the floor of her bedroom. She loved nothing more than sitting in bed on Saturday mornings sipping her coffee and reading her books and magazines.
Once when I was visiting at her home, I mentioned that the books scattered all over the floor of her bedroom was not good Feng Shui.” “Oh I don’t believe in that,” Katie replied, “it’s a lot of woo woo stuff.” But I pointed out that even from a practical standpoint, all that clutter around her bed was not good, because among other things, there was a lot of stuck energy going on, and that could really drag her own energy down.
“I don’t care,” she said, “I love books, I love to look at them, I love to touch them, I love to have them around me. And on Saturday mornings I don’t want to run all over the house looking for my books! I just wanted to grab my cup of coffee, reach down and pick up a book or magazine. Though I could see her point, this situations was far from ideal. Still, Katie wasn’t interested in any of my Feng Shui advise, so I just dropped it. And so, the cycle of buying more books and adding them to her ever growing pile continued.
However, one night Katie got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, and she left the lights off because she didn’t want to wake her husband. But on the way back to bed she slipped and fell on that pile of books, and hit her hip on the corner of the footboard. Fortunately, Katie was not seriously hurt, but there was a nasty puncture wound on her hip and she was quite sore and bruised for a couple of weeks.
As she was recounted the incident over our weekly morning coffee, she admitted that maybe I had been right about all those books on the floor. As I listened, I again gently reminded her that perhaps that was a very practical reason for not having all her books scattered on the floor. As we continued our conversation, she became a tiny bit more open to the benefits of Feng Shui, and asked if I had any recommendations.
Of course, my first suggestion was to pick those books up off the floor and put them somewhere where they could easily be accessed, and she could actually see what was there. I suspected that Katie might not even know which books she had lying on the floor, all piled on top of each other, and I wondered if she had even read them all, or remember which ones she had bought.
We agreed to meet at Katie’s house the following weekend and tackle the books. When I arrived, Katie informed me that she was open to my suggestions but that she was not going to spend any money on this “woo, woo” stuff, and she wanted her books to stay in the bedroom. Okay, maybe a bit of a challenge I thought, but I was up for it. As I stared down at the pile of books next to her bed, I asked if she had ever considered a bookcase, though admittedly, I’m not a big fan of putting a bookcase in a bedroom.
I believe that books are better suited to other rooms in the house. A book by its very nature is the voice of someone talking. So if you have a lot of books in your bedroom, you “metaphorically” have a lot of voices talking all the time while you are trying to sleep. It may seem a little “woo woo,” but from a Feng Shui standpoint, a bookcase in the bedroom may not the best idea. Fortunately, Katie agreed but still insisted on keeping her books close by.
As I surveyed the room, I noticed a mostly empty corner with a chair that was lightly covered in dust. “Katie, what do you use this chair for,” I ask. “Nothing really,” she replied. I just have it there because I need something to fill the space.” So I suggested that maybe we could create a little reading nook in that unused corner. Though Katie admitted that she preferred to read in bed, she was curious enough to give it a try. However, she firmly reminded me that she was not going to spend any money on it. “Not a problem,” I replied. “Most people already have everything they need to create change, it’s just a matter of finding it.”
So off we went on a scavenger hunt! We found an unused rectangular wicker basket in the closest that was the perfect size to hold magazines and books. A tiny lamp that was shoved in the back of a crowded bookshelf in the living room was repurposed as a reading lamp. An old pillow on the couch found a new home on the chair accompanied by a previously retired afghan blanket in the basement. Sensing we still needed one more thing, I turned to Katie and ask if she was open to spending a little bit of money. “How much,” she said with slight irritation in her voice. “Not much,” I said, “maybe twenty dollars or so, for a floating shelf above the chair.” Preceded by some grumbling from Katie, off to the local hardware store we went.
After placing most of the books and magazines in the basket and on the shelf, we did a little styling and voila! As we stepped back to admire our work, Katie exclaimed “Wow! That looks great!” Admittedly, it did. “Now, instead of always reading in bed, you can also use this cozy little reading space,” I said. “And you can also easily access all of your books”.
Photo by LdP
But that is where the story got interesting, because anytime we make a change and shift our energy the energy shifts around us. Even though Katie didn’t really believe in Feng Shui or it’s benefits, she did start to feel better. She got up a little earlier and felt a bit more energetic in the mornings. Then she did something unexpected, she packed up all the books that she was no longer interested in or had the desire to read anymore and donated them to the town library. While she was there, she noticed a sign above the drop-off bin that had all sorts of interesting book clubs and free classes. With a little nudging form her husband, she signed up for a conversational Spanish class. Not only did she start learning a new language, but she also met some new friends.
And although this may not seem like a significant part of her story, it was. Over time, Katie had started drifting into her emotional Water Element side, instead of her principal personality of Earth Element. While her Watery side was fine spending time alone reading and deepening her knowledge, Katie’s, Earth Element was lacking a sense of community, which is such and important part of her over all personality. Her Earth Element was actually craving more meaningful connections with people.
Katie is still not a believer of Feng Shui, and that’s okay, she does’t have to be. Feng Shui doesn’t need our permission to work it’s magic. And the truth is, we don’t know what that magic is going to look like anyway, because Feng Shui isn’t transactional. But what we do know is, as in Katie’s story, those changes are most likely to show up as exactly what is needed in that moment of time!
Elemental Energies 