relationships – Elemental Energies

How Certain Elements Can Get Stuck In Challenging Relationships

“I can’t even talk! It is almost as if I could just put the phone down and go do something else and he would’t even know I was gone!” Mary uttered in a mixture of exasperation and irritation, as we sipped our coffee. Maybe you need better boundaries, I calmly replied, as I stirred my coffee, waiting for her usual reply. “I do have boundaries,” Mary grumbled. “No one listens to them.” Hmm, I thought. “There is a difference between asking and setting,” I gently replied. “What exactly are you getting at?” Mary snapped, as she broke off a small piece of her muffin. “Let’s talk some 9 Star Ki,” I replied, and grinned as Mary sighed.

We have all been there, stuck in a bad relationship and wondering how we got there. Even when we’ve done the work, have reasonably good boundaries, and consider ourselves to be psychologically aware, how do we sometimes find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships?

Of course, there are many good reasons why some of us get stuck in challenging relationships, and those circumstances are beyond the scope of this blog. But from a 9 Star Ki perspective, there are some very positive traits that certain Elemental personalities hold in their core that also have the potential to keep them trapped.

Empathy, compassion, nurturing and an open heart are a few of those wonderful qualities, but those same traits can sometimes keep us tangled up in toxic relationships.

Mary is strongly an Earth Element personality. These folks are the caregivers. They carry a calm, grounded and stable essence. Like the rich soil of the earth, they nurture and support us. But because of their strong sense of loyalty and compassion, they can have trouble setting boundaries.

In fact, Earth people can feel quite guilty about saying no to someone’s request or not being able to be there when a friend or family member needs them. Even if it is logistically not possible. And because they have the ability to be so supportive, Earth element people can sometimes take on too much of the emotional burden, be too willing to be the container that holds another’s emotions.

And that is what happened to Mary. In her honest desire to help her friend, she had become too much of his emotional support system. So much so, that he became too dependent on her for his emotional regulation and even though she knew this, and could feel it starting to affect her own life, she felt too guilty to say something or to set boundaries.

Often, Earth people don’t ask for what they need, because they sometimes secretly wish the other person would just know what they wanted. Earth Element folks are so wonderfully aware of other peoples needs, they sometimes assume the same is true for them. But what can happen when they don’t ask for help is that they become depleted, which can turn into angry resentment, then they stop giving. And their nurturing, compassionate and grounding essence starts to dim.

And we don’t what that to happen, because we need our Earth Element folks! They bring such empathy, compassion and nurturing energy into the world. But that is what was starting to happen to Mary.

And so, that day over coffee we talked about the many wonderful Earth Element qualities and challenges. The need for Mary to set boundaries, not to request them. To limit the amount of time she spent on the phone listening to her friend’s problems. Instead of calling every week, maybe talking every two weeks and only for a half-hour.

Mary was so good at helping her friends and family and holding space for them, but not so good at doing so for herself. We spoke about the importance of setting some quality time aside to fill her own emotions container of wants and needs. I suggested finding new hobbies and activities that nourished her spirit and brought in some calm and grounding energy. And because Mary loves to cook, we talked about how preparing a nice meal to share with friends and family was a perfect way to “feed” her soul. Or simply, just having a nice cup of coco in her big comfy chair, all snuggled up with a good book and a warm plate of holiday cookies!

The Freedom To Be

As I stood there staring at the pillows on the couch, something was off. It doesn’t work. The colors all match, everything is perfectly placed, but it just isn’t right. It’s the wall color, I thought.

A sunny yellow hue that had been picked by someone else, and one that I never truly liked. It wasn’t the color I had wanted, but I couldn’t find the right shade, so I went with the suggestion given by a well meaning consultant from the local Benjamin Moore paint center. I tried to like it, I tried to make it work, pillows, blankets, accessories, but it never quite did. And after eleven years, I am still trying to fix it.

Stepping back to study how I could once again try and make this wall color work, I realized that it also happens to be the metaphor of my life. I am still trying “fix” something, so that I can fit into that perfectly shaped box, in order to to nicely blend in. Continually trying to adjust my life in order to make someone else’s version of the “who I should be” work. But like the pillows and accessories on the couch, something is just off.

Frustrated, I sat down and stared blankly at the couch, suddenly remembering that it was the anniversary of my Mother’s passing. And also, the fact that I happen to be in a challenging cycle of transformation, I started to reflect on what was truly important to me.

What are my values? It seems like such a simple question, really. However, not so easy for me to answer. I have spent so many years trying to shape myself into what I believed others needed me to be, that in some ways, my own identity got blended in. Now I have to dig deep to uncover and remember what really is important to me.

There are the usual suspects, of course; honesty, a sense of humor, family, friends, purpose (of which I have yet to define), education, boundaries. Boundaries? Wow, where did that one come from? I had never really thought of that as something I would put on my list of values, but there it was in all of its simplicity. Personal boundaries.

And yet, a highly functional one. Though boundaries help us to identify and enforce what is important to us, they are far from being about shuttering the outer word out. Instead, personal boundaries offer a mysterious effect, a peek at what lies just beyond reach. A sense of purpose, a place to flourish, the freedom to know ourselves.

But like a picket fence around an enchanting little cottage, boundaries protect our inner selves. They serve to defend us from the sometimes unnecessary or unwanted aggressions of life. Boundaries envelop us in a sense of safety, giving us a place to reset, quiet our minds or just simply rest.

Strong, yet beautiful personal boundaries also do something else, I thought. They give us the freedom to be ourselves, to develop and add warmth and character to our ever evolving stories. They are the guardrails that nourish our creativity and growth. They give us depth, sometimes even beckoning others to take a deeper look, beyond the superficial.

Personal boundaries give us the courage to step out of that perfectly shaped box, to not accept someone else’s version of the “who we should be,” even if it’s simply the paint color on our walls or the pillows we choose. They give us the freedom to be, the person we were meant to be.

Yeah, I think I will keep this one on the list.

The Power Of Being Seen

“I don’t want to go,” I bluntly responded to my husband as I climbed into the car. “Why not? It could be fun,” he cheerfully replied, as he backed the car out of the driveway. “There will probably be some good food, and who knows, we might even meet some interesting new people. “You only think with your stomach,” I retorted. “If there is food, game over. You’re in! Besides, we barely know the hosts and it feels awkward to be included in a friend group we aren’t even part of.”

I stared out the window as we wove through the neighborhood streets, just wishing the whole night to be over. All I wanted in that moment, was to be curled up in front of the fire with a good book and a glass of wine. “You could at least try to be a little more adventurous,” my husband encouraged. I had tried, for many years, but after more than a decade of little success chipping away at the sometimes frosty New England welcome, I just didn’t feel like making an effort anymore. “Friends are overrated,” I replied, “And anyway, I’ve got you and my books.” “Yeah, but my ears get tired,” he teased.

As usual, we were the first to arrive. “Can’t we just drive around the block a few times to see who else pulls up?” I pleaded. But after indulging me only one circle, we parked the car and made our way up the long driveway to the front door. Warmly greeted by the hosts, we exchanged hugs, and I presented them with the pretty pink tulip plant that we had purchased, as a thank you gift for inviting us. After offering us some drinks, we were ushered into the family room where we made polite conversation, while waiting for their other guests to arrive.

Slowly, couple by couple, in what seemed like an order of seniority, they began to arrive. We were graciously introduced, and it was all very pleasant, but it seemed slightly awkward. We were not part of this close-knit group, and though the conversation was interesting and cordial, it felt a bit forced. We were intruding on a long standing friendship and everyone in the room felt it. Ages ago, when we lived in New Jersey, we had our own group of friends with years of shared memories, so we knew what it was like when someone new was brought in. Now we were those people.

After a couple of hours of drinks, hors d’oeuvres and socially polite conversation, I was ready to leave. Much to my husbands disappoint, I made my way to the kitchen to thank our hosts for a lovely evening and say our farewells. Just as I was about to offer my appreciation for having been invited, the doorbell rang, and our host excused herself to welcome the newcomers.

But then something unexpected happened. And that changed everything!

I quietly waited in the kitchen as our host went to greet the latest arrivals. When she returned to the kitchen, she introduced us, and as I reached out to shake hands, Jen suddenly exclaimed, “I know you!” “You know me?” I said, looking intently at her face, while frantically searching my memory for any sign of recognition. “Yes, It’s Jen from tennis, remember?” “Rory and Audi took lessons together at Stony Brook,” she replied, looking slightly surprised at my lack of recollection.

Fortunately, as Jen recounted the details, the memory of our encounters years earlier over our kiddos tennis lessons, flooded back. I felt a wave of relief and immediately started to relax. Maybe this night won’t be so bad after all, I thought. Because a few hours earlier, I had not been so sure. Surprisingly, the other guests began to feel more comfortable too, because suddenly, we were not such strangers anymore.

The party became an uplifting moment for me. I ended up meeting some new potential friends, deepening my relationship with the hosts and reconnecting with my old acquaintance. Better yet, my husband got to stay longer and eat more food, which is always his favorite part. Of course, all the way home he could not resist reminding me that he was right, and that I did end up having fun after all.

Then he asked me an odd question, “What did you and Jen talk about durning those tennis lessons?” “I don’t know, it was a long time ago” I said.” She was from Hong Kong and her husband was from India. We talked about what it was like to move to a new country, be married to a person from another country and how it can sometime be difficult, especially, when you are raising children. Things like that,” I reflected. “Because we have a similar situation and it can be very challenging at times.” “That’s interesting,” he said. “When we first moved here, and you really needed a friend to talk to, maybe she did also. Perhaps Jen felt seen by you, and all these years later, she returned the favor. Tonight, she saw you.”

Well, I don’t know about that, as my mother always said whenever she heard something questionable, but it sure did feel nice to be seen.

Sometimes it takes years to realize the impact that we’ve had on another person. Both positive and negative. This story continues to remind me of how important it is to stay fully present when I am engaged with others. Because we all have the need to be seen.