“I can’t even talk! It is almost as if I could just put the phone down and go do something else and he would’t even know I was gone!” Mary uttered in a mixture of exasperation and irritation, as we sipped our coffee. Maybe you need better boundaries, I calmly replied, as I stirred my coffee, waiting for her usual reply. “I do have boundaries,” Mary grumbled. “No one listens to them.” Hmm, I thought. “There is a difference between asking and setting,” I gently replied. “What exactly are you getting at?” Mary snapped, as she broke off a small piece of her muffin. “Let’s talk some 9 Star Ki,” I replied, and grinned as Mary sighed.
We have all been there, stuck in a bad relationship and wondering how we got there. Even when we’ve done the work, have reasonably good boundaries, and consider ourselves to be psychologically aware, how do we sometimes find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships?
Of course, there are many good reasons why some of us get stuck in challenging relationships, and those circumstances are beyond the scope of this blog. But from a 9 Star Ki perspective, there are some very positive traits that certain Elemental personalities hold in their core that also have the potential to keep them trapped.
Empathy, compassion, nurturing and an open heart are a few of those wonderful qualities, but those same traits can sometimes keep us tangled up in toxic relationships.
Mary is strongly an Earth Element personality. These folks are the caregivers. They carry a calm, grounded and stable essence. Like the rich soil of the earth, they nurture and support us. But because of their strong sense of loyalty and compassion, they can have trouble setting boundaries.
In fact, Earth people can feel quite guilty about saying no to someone’s request or not being able to be there when a friend or family member needs them. Even if it is logistically not possible. And because they have the ability to be so supportive, Earth element people can sometimes take on too much of the emotional burden, be too willing to be the container that holds another’s emotions.
And that is what happened to Mary. In her honest desire to help her friend, she had become too much of his emotional support system. So much so, that he became too dependent on her for his emotional regulation and even though she knew this, and could feel it starting to affect her own life, she felt too guilty to say something or to set boundaries.
Often, Earth people don’t ask for what they need, because they sometimes secretly wish the other person would just know what they wanted. Earth Element folks are so wonderfully aware of other peoples needs, they sometimes assume the same is true for them. But what can happen when they don’t ask for help is that they become depleted, which can turn into angry resentment, then they stop giving. And their nurturing, compassionate and grounding essence starts to dim.
And we don’t what that to happen, because we need our Earth Element folks! They bring such empathy, compassion and nurturing energy into the world. But that is what was starting to happen to Mary.
And so, that day over coffee we talked about the many wonderful Earth Element qualities and challenges. The need for Mary to set boundaries, not to request them. To limit the amount of time she spent on the phone listening to her friend’s problems. Instead of calling every week, maybe talking every two weeks and only for a half-hour.
Mary was so good at helping her friends and family and holding space for them, but not so good at doing so for herself. We spoke about the importance of setting some quality time aside to fill her own emotions container of wants and needs. I suggested finding new hobbies and activities that nourished her spirit and brought in some calm and grounding energy. And because Mary loves to cook, we talked about how preparing a nice meal to share with friends and family was a perfect way to “feed” her soul. Or simply, just having a nice cup of coco in her big comfy chair, all snuggled up with a good book and a warm plate of holiday cookies!
Elemental Energies 