personal-growth – Elemental Energies

Groundhog Day

Trying to clear some space in my bedroom nightstand, I found some old journals that I thought I could tuck away in a new spot. Out of curiosity, I found myself flipping through the pages and what I discovered brought me great amusement. Though in retrospect, it probably should have horrified me.

“Audrey, come here,” I called out to my daughter in the other room. “You are not going to believe this!”

Page after page of my journal entries all said the same thing. Literally, the exact same complaints and manifestations. Almost in the exact same language. Continually over and over again. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day.

Okay, maybe that would not have been so bad if it had been in the last year or two, but these journals were written almost two decades, three states and three houses ago! Seriously, the exact same request and grievances. It didn’t matter if I was reading about life in New Jersey, New Mexico or Massachusetts. Same, same, same.

July 2011 – We never have anything to do on the 4th of July

August 2014 – We don’t have any friends

April 2009 – The neighbors are annoying, they are just trying to use us

September 2009 – I want to get a job in interior design and become a real estate agent

September 2009 – I want to start doing some Nine Star Ki readings

January 2008 through present – I don’t know what my purpose is

I could not help but laugh out loud! “Oh My God! This sounds like what I was just complaining about yesterday,” I said to my daughter, through fits of laughter.

“I think you may have an inaction problem,” she dryly responded

“I think you might be right!” I said, while pondering what a little smarty pants she has become at the ripe old age of twenty. “Let’s not tell your father about this one,” I suggested, as I tucked the journals away in the desk drawer. “He already complains that I am always talking about the same things.”

‘What are the stories you tell yourself?’, is what they always ask on my favorite psychology podcasts. And apparently, I am narrating the same ones over and over! But why? After a little reflection, though, I do have some theories.

When I started journaling those entries, I was going through a lot of stress. We were relocating from our home in New Jersey, where I had spent most of my life, because of my husbands new career. We were leaving behind friends and family to move cross-country to New Mexico, and then again a couple of years later to Massachusetts. So yeah, there was a little bit of stress and anxiety going on there.

Sometimes when we are going through a lot of stress or even depression, we get stuck in a rut, or as psychologist and neuroscientist Norman Farb says, we create a sort of mental default map. Though it helps us navigate stressful events by putting us on autopilot as we are moving through them, it can take over and suppress the sensory part of the brain. In other words, no new information can get through.

And if no new information is getting through, then there is nothing to breakup the stories we are telling ourselves, and replaying over and over in our heads. “We need to break the script and rediscover the path forward,” as Dr. Farb says. Sounds good, but how do we do that? Because I kind of want to get out of this mental loop! Mkay?

Fortunately, there are a few ways to try and reset the sensory part of our brains, such as check in with ourselves more, and pay attention to the rumination and negative thoughts that are replaying. The more you rerun the narrative, the more you relive the story. The more you say the neighbors are annoying the more annoying the neighbors become… for the next twenty years! That’s a bit long mate! It may be time to edit the story.

Instead, pay attention to what is going on in your life today, right now. When you are spiraling with rumination and negative thoughts, try to reconnect with the sensory part of the brain. Like how the cold bathroom tiles feel on your feet in the morning or the late afternoon sun on your face. Or how it feels when you are connecting with another person. This is a big one, because often, negative thoughts and rumination can cause us to disconnect from other people. Which can keep us stuck in the mental default map, and we all want to feel loved and accepted.

As for me, I am going to examine those repetitive thoughts and think about what is true and what needs to be rewritten.

We don’t do anything on the 4th of July – But we did do something on the 3rd of July

I’m pretty sure we have friends – (I just can’t find them, they must be hiding)

The neighbors aren’t so annoying – they sometimes even bring us good food

I don’t want to be a real estate agent – I’d rather write my blog instead

I’ve done tons of Nine Star Ki readings – I’ve just never been paid (but I’ve also never asked)

My purpose, ehh… well I’m still working on that one!

And as my acupuncturist always says when I am stuck in rumination a bit too much, “no new information is coming in, work on something else for a while.”

Painting Outside The Box

Photo by ADP – Winslow Homer Exhibit MFA Boston

Standing in the dark gallery filled with a sea of people, I struggle to get a close up view of the iconic watercolor paintings by Winslow Homer on display at the Museum of Fine Arts, in Boston. It is a stunning show of works, some of which have not been seen for decades. I love coming to the exhibitions. The abundant displays of art from all over the world inspire awe and inspiration for the many visitors that pass through the museum’s doors. And yes, for me as well. Yet the place that really ignites my imagination is in the artist’s studio. Where the quiet chaos slowly unfolds into the masterpieces that line the walls in these great galleries.

I delight in the smell of linseed oil and turpentine, mixed with fresh oil paint. And if I close my eyes I can still hear the faint sound of the old wood plank floors creaking underfoot, as I walked across my former high school art studio. It alway seemed dark and moody in there, steeped in the quiet turmoil of creativity. But what exactly makes a great piece of art? Why does one painting or work of art draw millions of visitors per year, yet another, perhaps even by the same artist… well, crickets.

I recently read this question in a magazine article. And although they had a few interesting ideas, they never really gave an answer. So, I decided to explore this notion for myself, starting with what I already know about artistic creators.

They are innovators, movers and shakers and ahead of their time. They see things differently, and the stories behind those works of art can be fascinating. Artist are not afraid to think outside the box. In fact, they were born to think outside the box.

Consider Elisabeth Vigee Le Brun. Not only was she a successful female artist in 18th century France, almost unheard of at the time, but she also seemed to be the mother of photoshop. Centuries before we were image editing our photos, she was using her gift of flattery to portray her clients in a more visually pleasing way. Shortening a nose here, strengthening a weak chin there and basically using her paintbrush to refine her patrons’ essences.

Or Caravaggio, the rebellious Italian painter from the 1500’s, with his inventive use of light and dark to create dramatic intensity. And his notorious use of ordinary people, to elevate the scenes of everyday life to canvas worthy masterpieces.

And who can forget Monet, the father of impressionism, and his revolutionary use of light and color? Or Van Gogh’s brush stroke portrayal of deeply displayed emotions?

Still, what makes one work of art more memorable than another? What is it that captures our attention and catapults it to fame? I believe it is the story. Behind every work of art there is a story, whether we consciously know it or not, we feel it. We recognize it. It moves us. Some profoundly more than others.

Since the beginning of time, humans have loved stories. Long before the written word ever existed, they were passed down orally generation to generation. Maybe around a campfire, or visually pictured on ancient cave walls. We learn from them, we are entertained by them, we cry and grow with them. They are as much apart of our lives as living. They are life.

And though I am no expert or art historian, for me that is just it. Artists take us on a journey with them, transporting us into the stories that they create. Is that a smile on Mona Lisa’s face, why is she looking so directly at us? Was that really the way the night sky swirled in 19th century France, or did Van Gogh just have a little too much wine with dinner that night? We are hooked. We are mesmerized. And then they leave us hanging, because we never truly know what the answer is or what the ending is supposed to be… That is solely up to our “artistic interpretation”. Because as with art and life, the finale is uniquely our own creation.

Simple Feng Shui Tips for a Harmonious Home

Photo by Hou00e0ng Phu01b0u01a1ng Nguyu1ec5n on Pexels.com

Whenever someone asks me about Feng Shui, I am always met with some version of, “Isn’t that the thing that tells you where to put your couch?” Or “I don’t believe in that stuff, it’s to woo woo!” Or “I don’t want to show you my house, it is filled with clutter and I am sure I have bad Feng Shui!” And one of my favorites, “Feng Shui is too complicated and “I don’t want to put a bunch of silly trinkets all over my house!”

My answer is straightforward, “yes, it can be all that, and it doesn’t have to be any of that.” To which I am always met with a bunch of blank stares. But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be overly complicated. One can simply start with the basics, using the Five Senses.

So often, we make things more complicated than they need to be. Usually there is the urge to do too much or “fix” a perceived problem, while at the same time, not being clear about our intentions. I felt the same way when I first came across Feng Shui more than two decades ago. I started to install all sorts of “cures” to make my life more balanced. I wanted a better job, to have more money and find a good partner. But instead, all that happened was I got frustrated, disillusioned, and ended up throwing my new book in the garbage.

Of course, we still have to do the mundane work, but it’s best to start simple. Feng Shui is all about our relationship to our home and surroundings. What we see, hear, smell, touch and taste in our environment can have a greater impact on us than we might think. And simply adjusting one thing, such as the first thing we see when we enter our home or the smells that greet us as soon as we walk through the door, can make us relax with pleasure or zap the energy right out of us.

My friend Michael was a very “woodsy” kind of guy. He loved the outdoors, but had to relocate from the suburbs into the city for a new job. Though he loved his job, the bustle of the streets and his cramped new apartment, not so much. He was not a fan of Feng Shui, but he did agree to make some very minor adjustments to bring in more harmony. A few artfully placed fishing poles hung on the wall and a new plug-in diffuser that filled the air with the sent of fresh pine, was all it took. Instantly, his home gave him a warm welcome as he stepped through the door.

Which of the five senses would you like to invite into your home?

Sight – Use the door as a portal to draw you eye forward toward a beautiful piece of art or sculpture or the soft light of a lamp on a side table in the entry.

Smell – Have a diffuser with your favorite scent to fragrantly greet you as you step through the threshold.

Touch – Rest tired feet on a soft plush rug as you step through the door, or a cushioned bench to sit down on.

Hearing – The calming sound of a gentle wind chime or the relaxing trickle of a water fountain near the door.

Taste – Display a basket of fresh fruit on a table or fresh herbs on a kitchen windowsill to inspire a healthy snack after a long day of activities.

It can be as simple as that. Using a little Feng Shui and our five senses, we can make a ho-hum transition from the outside world into a transformation of a home that immediately gives us a welcoming hug.

How Certain Elements Can Get Stuck In Challenging Relationships

“I can’t even talk! It is almost as if I could just put the phone down and go do something else and he would’t even know I was gone!” Mary uttered in a mixture of exasperation and irritation, as we sipped our coffee. Maybe you need better boundaries, I calmly replied, as I stirred my coffee, waiting for her usual reply. “I do have boundaries,” Mary grumbled. “No one listens to them.” Hmm, I thought. “There is a difference between asking and setting,” I gently replied. “What exactly are you getting at?” Mary snapped, as she broke off a small piece of her muffin. “Let’s talk some 9 Star Ki,” I replied, and grinned as Mary sighed.

We have all been there, stuck in a bad relationship and wondering how we got there. Even when we’ve done the work, have reasonably good boundaries, and consider ourselves to be psychologically aware, how do we sometimes find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships?

Of course, there are many good reasons why some of us get stuck in challenging relationships, and those circumstances are beyond the scope of this blog. But from a 9 Star Ki perspective, there are some very positive traits that certain Elemental personalities hold in their core that also have the potential to keep them trapped.

Empathy, compassion, nurturing and an open heart are a few of those wonderful qualities, but those same traits can sometimes keep us tangled up in toxic relationships.

Mary is strongly an Earth Element personality. These folks are the caregivers. They carry a calm, grounded and stable essence. Like the rich soil of the earth, they nurture and support us. But because of their strong sense of loyalty and compassion, they can have trouble setting boundaries.

In fact, Earth people can feel quite guilty about saying no to someone’s request or not being able to be there when a friend or family member needs them. Even if it is logistically not possible. And because they have the ability to be so supportive, Earth element people can sometimes take on too much of the emotional burden, be too willing to be the container that holds another’s emotions.

And that is what happened to Mary. In her honest desire to help her friend, she had become too much of his emotional support system. So much so, that he became too dependent on her for his emotional regulation and even though she knew this, and could feel it starting to affect her own life, she felt too guilty to say something or to set boundaries.

Often, Earth people don’t ask for what they need, because they sometimes secretly wish the other person would just know what they wanted. Earth Element folks are so wonderfully aware of other peoples needs, they sometimes assume the same is true for them. But what can happen when they don’t ask for help is that they become depleted, which can turn into angry resentment, then they stop giving. And their nurturing, compassionate and grounding essence starts to dim.

And we don’t what that to happen, because we need our Earth Element folks! They bring such empathy, compassion and nurturing energy into the world. But that is what was starting to happen to Mary.

And so, that day over coffee we talked about the many wonderful Earth Element qualities and challenges. The need for Mary to set boundaries, not to request them. To limit the amount of time she spent on the phone listening to her friend’s problems. Instead of calling every week, maybe talking every two weeks and only for a half-hour.

Mary was so good at helping her friends and family and holding space for them, but not so good at doing so for herself. We spoke about the importance of setting some quality time aside to fill her own emotions container of wants and needs. I suggested finding new hobbies and activities that nourished her spirit and brought in some calm and grounding energy. And because Mary loves to cook, we talked about how preparing a nice meal to share with friends and family was a perfect way to “feed” her soul. Or simply, just having a nice cup of coco in her big comfy chair, all snuggled up with a good book and a warm plate of holiday cookies!

The Freedom To Be

As I stood there staring at the pillows on the couch, something was off. It doesn’t work. The colors all match, everything is perfectly placed, but it just isn’t right. It’s the wall color, I thought.

A sunny yellow hue that had been picked by someone else, and one that I never truly liked. It wasn’t the color I had wanted, but I couldn’t find the right shade, so I went with the suggestion given by a well meaning consultant from the local Benjamin Moore paint center. I tried to like it, I tried to make it work, pillows, blankets, accessories, but it never quite did. And after eleven years, I am still trying to fix it.

Stepping back to study how I could once again try and make this wall color work, I realized that it also happens to be the metaphor of my life. I am still trying “fix” something, so that I can fit into that perfectly shaped box, in order to to nicely blend in. Continually trying to adjust my life in order to make someone else’s version of the “who I should be” work. But like the pillows and accessories on the couch, something is just off.

Frustrated, I sat down and stared blankly at the couch, suddenly remembering that it was the anniversary of my Mother’s passing. And also, the fact that I happen to be in a challenging cycle of transformation, I started to reflect on what was truly important to me.

What are my values? It seems like such a simple question, really. However, not so easy for me to answer. I have spent so many years trying to shape myself into what I believed others needed me to be, that in some ways, my own identity got blended in. Now I have to dig deep to uncover and remember what really is important to me.

There are the usual suspects, of course; honesty, a sense of humor, family, friends, purpose (of which I have yet to define), education, boundaries. Boundaries? Wow, where did that one come from? I had never really thought of that as something I would put on my list of values, but there it was in all of its simplicity. Personal boundaries.

And yet, a highly functional one. Though boundaries help us to identify and enforce what is important to us, they are far from being about shuttering the outer word out. Instead, personal boundaries offer a mysterious effect, a peek at what lies just beyond reach. A sense of purpose, a place to flourish, the freedom to know ourselves.

But like a picket fence around an enchanting little cottage, boundaries protect our inner selves. They serve to defend us from the sometimes unnecessary or unwanted aggressions of life. Boundaries envelop us in a sense of safety, giving us a place to reset, quiet our minds or just simply rest.

Strong, yet beautiful personal boundaries also do something else, I thought. They give us the freedom to be ourselves, to develop and add warmth and character to our ever evolving stories. They are the guardrails that nourish our creativity and growth. They give us depth, sometimes even beckoning others to take a deeper look, beyond the superficial.

Personal boundaries give us the courage to step out of that perfectly shaped box, to not accept someone else’s version of the “who we should be,” even if it’s simply the paint color on our walls or the pillows we choose. They give us the freedom to be, the person we were meant to be.

Yeah, I think I will keep this one on the list.

THE STEPS IN-BETWEEN

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.com

Recently, I was listening to a popular podcast where the host was interviewing a best selling author and expert on the power of your mind and mindfulness. He was explaining how there is nothing really woo-woo about manifestation, and that it is actually more scientific. Essentially it is about committing something to memory by focusing your attention on what you want. When the host asked him to explain further he said something along the lines of: write your intention down, repeat it to yourself and visualize it, then rinse and repeat until it is committed to memory.

I have no issue with this concept, because I believe the very principles of Feng Shui and the cures that are used to help bring us into balance and manifest what we want in our lives, operate quite similarly. They help to remind and keep us focused on the changes we are trying to bring forth in our lives.

As the guest went on to talk abut how he had manifested all these wonderful things in his life, cars, career as a doctor and multiple homes, to name a few, I was left wondering, yeah that’s fantastic, but what happened in the in-between moments? What actually showed up to help you get to the end point?

As Megan Gilbride from Nine Red Envelopes and I spoke about on our podcast “Let’s Keep Going” episode one – No Mundane, No Magic – sometime we don’t recognize how the universe is showing up to try and help us achieve our goals.

We set an intention for a new car, but we only achieve it after our best friend shows up to help us create a budget to better manage our finances. Or, we set an intention to improve our relationships or find a new partner, but then a co-worker encourages us to sign up for a self-help class to learn how to set better boundaries and be a better friend to ourselves. And then, when that special someone does show up, we are better able to welcome them into our lives.

What is often overlooked are the stories in-between the setting of the intention, the placing of the cure or rituals and the end result. Because a lot of stuff does happen in the middle, and if you are listening, that is where the stories of the real power of intention lie.

The final results may very well be the change that we were hoping to manifest in our lives, but it just may not look that way on the steps in-between. When we can see the way it shows up for others, it helps to better understand how it might be showing up for us. Because it is in the ordinary moments that the real magic happens.