mental-health – Elemental Energies

The Freedom To Be

As I stood there staring at the pillows on the couch, something was off. It doesn’t work. The colors all match, everything is perfectly placed, but it just isn’t right. It’s the wall color, I thought.

A sunny yellow hue that had been picked by someone else, and one that I never truly liked. It wasn’t the color I had wanted, but I couldn’t find the right shade, so I went with the suggestion given by a well meaning consultant from the local Benjamin Moore paint center. I tried to like it, I tried to make it work, pillows, blankets, accessories, but it never quite did. And after eleven years, I am still trying to fix it.

Stepping back to study how I could once again try and make this wall color work, I realized that it also happens to be the metaphor of my life. I am still trying “fix” something, so that I can fit into that perfectly shaped box, in order to to nicely blend in. Continually trying to adjust my life in order to make someone else’s version of the “who I should be” work. But like the pillows and accessories on the couch, something is just off.

Frustrated, I sat down and stared blankly at the couch, suddenly remembering that it was the anniversary of my Mother’s passing. And also, the fact that I happen to be in a challenging cycle of transformation, I started to reflect on what was truly important to me.

What are my values? It seems like such a simple question, really. However, not so easy for me to answer. I have spent so many years trying to shape myself into what I believed others needed me to be, that in some ways, my own identity got blended in. Now I have to dig deep to uncover and remember what really is important to me.

There are the usual suspects, of course; honesty, a sense of humor, family, friends, purpose (of which I have yet to define), education, boundaries. Boundaries? Wow, where did that one come from? I had never really thought of that as something I would put on my list of values, but there it was in all of its simplicity. Personal boundaries.

And yet, a highly functional one. Though boundaries help us to identify and enforce what is important to us, they are far from being about shuttering the outer word out. Instead, personal boundaries offer a mysterious effect, a peek at what lies just beyond reach. A sense of purpose, a place to flourish, the freedom to know ourselves.

But like a picket fence around an enchanting little cottage, boundaries protect our inner selves. They serve to defend us from the sometimes unnecessary or unwanted aggressions of life. Boundaries envelop us in a sense of safety, giving us a place to reset, quiet our minds or just simply rest.

Strong, yet beautiful personal boundaries also do something else, I thought. They give us the freedom to be ourselves, to develop and add warmth and character to our ever evolving stories. They are the guardrails that nourish our creativity and growth. They give us depth, sometimes even beckoning others to take a deeper look, beyond the superficial.

Personal boundaries give us the courage to step out of that perfectly shaped box, to not accept someone else’s version of the “who we should be,” even if it’s simply the paint color on our walls or the pillows we choose. They give us the freedom to be, the person we were meant to be.

Yeah, I think I will keep this one on the list.

Uncovering The “Covering”

“Covering,” a word forged by the work of Sociologist Ervin Goffman and later refined by Kenji Yoshino, a Legal Scholar at New York University. It means in essence: “to downplay or hide one’s true identity, beliefs or characteristics to conform to the norms of society.”

I first heard this term when I was listening to a recent episode of the Hidden Brain podcast in which, the guest Kenji Yoshino, spoke about what happens when we try to pretend to be someone that we are not, in order to fit in. This topic is interesting to me, because the work that I have done for the last sixteen years is about uncovering one’s hidden strengths and challenges in order to step more fully into our authentic selves.

Ironically, my work primarily centers around the principles of The Nine Star Ki, a Japanese system of understanding our personal Ki or energy. A concept of energy that is imprinted on us the day we are born, and continues to influence us throughout our lives. Interestingly, Kenji is an American of Japanese decent, and I could not help but wonder if he was familiar with this system.

As Kenji explains, most of us hide an aspect of ourselves that we don’t think other people would understand or accept, so we cover in order to fit in. I can certainly relate to this. I have been happily married for over twenty years, and no one has every suspected that there is an age difference between me and my husband, but there is. At times, I have felt the need to hide the fact that I married later in life, I’m older than my husband and had my daughter in my mid forties. Mostly out of a fear that I would not be accepted, or worse, that it would affect the acceptance of my daughter or husband.

I am often asked why I am so passionate about the ancient art of Nine Star Ki (astrology), and it is specifically because I find it to be such a valuable and amazing tool that we can use throughout our lives to help us “uncover” and rebalance our sometimes forgotten inner energetic patters. Like a roadmap that has been imprinted with our unique energetic signature. And one that we can turn to, all through our lives to help navigate our path, better understand our gifts and challenges, achieve goals, or give us the potential for more harmonious relationships.

I have spent many years studying and practicing the Nine Star Ki, precisely because I have had struggles around showing up authentically more than once in my life. This ancient, simplistically refined and profoundly accurate system of understanding one’s personality is, in my opinion, sometimes more accurate than many of the personality assessment that I have taken over the years. Myers-Briggs and Strong included. Of course, I have a lot of regard for those assessments. They are very detailed and valid too, but Nine Star Ki is definitely my go to, over and over again. And it never disappoints.

Often, when I am listening to a podcast or reading an article where someone is discussing a topic I resonate with, such as with Kenji’s interview on Hidden Brain, I make a point of trying to discover their energetic patterns and the cycle of time they happen to be moving through. What I usually find is that their pattern almost always match with their life circumstance and/or purpose. Which to me is fascinating, because most, if not all, have no knowledge of the Nine Star Ki and are quite organically aligned with their inner design. This is encouraging, because it suggests that most of us are never really as far off course as we sometimes believe we are.

Kenji is no exception. As I listened to him tell his story, I began see his inner patterns weaving together. How his fear of judgement initially blocked him from being able to step into his own authenticity, and why it became so important for him to be a leading force in helping others recognize the ways in which they may be consciously or unconsciously covering too. Kenji has the potential to be very influential in his field of work and the ability to be a strong champion in guiding others to align with their own inner truths.

Because it’s not about covering what’s wrong with our stories, but instead uncovering what is right.

If you are interested in learning more about “covering” and Kenji Yoshino’s story I am including the link to the Hidden Brain podcast – Dropping The Mask – https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/dropping-the-mask/

And

For more information about the Nine Star Ki, I highly recommend the book “Your Hidden Symmetry,” by Jean Haner.

Finding Meaning In The Meaningless

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Every morning, as I pour my morning coffee, I reach up and grab a small notecard that I keep hidden within my coffee mugs. On it, I’ve scribbled six important questions to ask myself before going about my daily tasks. One of those questions is, “Did I do my best to find meaning in my work, or in my life?” I had learned about these daily queries from one of the many inspirational podcasts that I listen to. But today, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that I have been doing it backwards.

I realized the questions are supposed to be asked before going to bed at night, not in the morning. They are meant to call attention to how we have moved throughout our day. Did I do my best to be fully present, achieve my goals (to be honest, did I even set goals), to be happy (happy, what’s that), and to be fully engaged (definitely a challenge)?

But when I ask those same questions in the morning, a funny thing happens. Rather than reflecting back on my day, I am sort of chasing after the answers. Because instead of finding meaning in the work I do, I spend my days looking for meaningful work to do.

Although there is nothing wrong with looking for something worthwhile to do, the problem is, I don’t think the work I am doing has much relevance. And nothing brought this point into sharper focus, than during my French conversation class.

We had been learning how to pronounce different professions in French, and our instructor asked us each to practice saying what our occupations were. As soon as she said it, I panicked. Oh no, I thought. She is going to ask me what I do for a living and I don’t have anything to say. I’m just a stat-at-home mom, and I’m not even that anymore because my daughter is now in college.

One by one, I listened as my classmates answered: an accountant, a computer programer a retired lawyer. When she got to me, I felt the slow flush of redness on my cheeks. “I guess you could say I’m a retired say-at-home mom,” I murmured, “because my daughter is away in college.” “It’s okay, you can say you’re a housewife,” my instructor cheerfully replied. Une femme au foyer, she announced to the class. And although the French do seem to have a way of making even the most mundane sound impressive, my heart just sank into my stomach.

I have trouble finding meaning in the ordinary stuff I do all day. Yes, it helps people, mainly my family, but it doesn’t feel like it is important enough of a contribution. I remember decades ago having lunch with a friend when our daughters were still in strollers, and I was rambling on and on about how I wanted to do something more with my life. She sternly looked over at me and flatly replied “why can’t you just accept that you’re a stay-at-home mom.”

Because the truth is, I am always trying to find meaning two stories up from where I am standing right now. But I am never going to find it there. Until I can learn to embrace the purpose in my everyday life, in the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, not the lofty goals and glamorous life I dream about, but the everyday life of an ordinary housewife, “une femme au foyer,” nothing else will matter. There is always a starting point, and maybe that starting point is accepting that what I am doing now is enough.

And maybe what I do is in fact more meaningful than I give myself credit for: keeping a household running smoothly, cooking good meals to keep my family and myself healthy, making sure bills get paid in time, making our home a peaceful and inspiring heaven…Maybe I enable good things to happen and that is good enough for us.

So instead of looking two stories up I’ll try to ground myself where I am standing right now. And rather than searching for that one meaningful role, I’ll remind myself to place value on the little choices and actions I make throughout the day, no matter how ordinary or mundane they sometimes feel.

And in the meantime, I’ll focus on energize the Knowledge and Self Cultivation area of the bagua, and while I’m at it, I might just place a couple pieces of rose quartz in theRelationship section too (aka the symbolic “Mother” domain in Feng Shui), after all, she is the Divine “Femme au foyer,” of the bagua map!

Stuck In The Muddy Mess Of Transformation

As I unpacked my new hairdryer and removed it from the box, I excitedly said to my husband, “oh my gosh, I love it! It’s teal.” I hadn’t paid much attention to the color when I ordered it, I just wanted that particular model. It is fascinating how this color keeps showing up in my life though, because it also happens to be one of the accent colors we chose for the refresh design in our bedroom and bathroom.

Interestingly, teal, green and light blue are the colors associated with the Wood Element in Feng Shui. Wood energy is symbolic of spring and new beginnings. It is also pretty good at breaking up the sometimes stuck energy of Earth. Curiously, those are precisely the colors that I seem to be drawing in. The synchronicity is spot on, because lately, I have been feeling completely stuck and rudderless, hopelessly in need of a change.

Somedays, it feels like the only meaningful work I do is making sure everyone has their laundry in the hamper by Friday, or having dinner on the table by six. Necessary, but not exactly groundbreaking work. Even getting out of the house to go to the mailbox can seem like a chore.

I happen to be going through a cycle of time the ancient Chinese referred to as, a year of transformation. In a year like this things can really become unclear, like staring down into a puddle of muddy water. And as if that is not difficult enough, it also happens to be colliding with that fact that I have just become an empty nester.

Though I have been studying this system for many years, and I know these cycles well, this one feels particularly challenging. It is like being in the middle of the ocean with no new land on the horizon. We have all been through it, those moments in life when we reach the end of something, a job, a relationship, kids going off to college, retirement, a milestone birthday. But those periods in the middle of uncertainty can seem quite expansive, between the end of one goal or phase in life, and the beginning of the next.

As much as I want to breakout of this stuck place I find myself in, I also know there is no way around it. Even though I would like nothing better than to sit down at the kitchen table on a Sunday afternoon with a cup of coffee, and just figure it all out, that is not going to happen.

So how do we keep moving when we find ourselves stuck, floating in the sea of uncertainty, unable to see where we are going? One way is to bring a little Wood Element in to break up the stuckness and get moving again.

We can introduce Wood’s energy into our spaces symbolically with color, plants or shapes, but we can also usher it in with action. Wood Element is all about action – beginning, middle, end – move on. And as is the case with Wood energy, continually seeking out new goals to pursue, we also may not just have one destination to follow. Instead of asking ourselves how to figure out what that one best solution or way out of stuckness is, maybe we should try coming up with three different scenarios (which coincidently, is also the number that represents Wood Element).

Although trying different things may seem obvious, when we can’t see where we are going and nothing is very clear, we need something to work on to bring us closer to that end goal. Breaking things down to create tiny little goal helps lift our spirits and brings us one step closer, and even just one step closer to that final goal, is an achievement when we are lingering in the middle.

But what if we have no idea where we want to go, or there is no final direction on the horizon, as is the case with me? That’s okay, it’s a call to action. Sometimes we are meant to slow down and reevaluate our life’s path. There always comes a point in time when we plateau, just as with an athlete or an artist, our muscles get used to the way we are performing. We get into a rut and we lose a little bit of our creativity in the process. At those moments in time, it can be good to just set it down, walk away and try something completely unrelated and different. And slowly, as the land starts to surface on the horizon again, we gain renewed enthusiasm and momentum.

But for now, I’ve just got to sit with my thoughts and let this transformation of life take root. And as my Chinese acupuncturist wisely says when I ruminate on a problem for too long, “no new Information is coming in, work on something else for a while.”