9 Star Ki – Elemental Energies

Reciprocity Fail Or Elemental Mishap?

Lately, I have been drawn to watercolor painting, and as I sat mixing shades for my latest project, It occurred to me how similar the 5 Elements and primary colors are. Each has a unique foundation, an underlying basis or principle that can not be created. But they can be altered by mixing and fusing with each other, to produce unique and beautiful one of a kind hues, or Elemental patterns.

Just as a well trained artist knows how to bring a composition to life, skillfully using pigments and tone to create beauty and interest, or invoke our emotions. So too, do the Five Elements dance with each other to create fascinating patterns, personality traits, and colorful code words.

And I see and hear those patterns, traits and vivid code words everywhere. I almost can’t help it. An occupational hazard, I guess. In fact, a few days ago while I was listening to one of my favorite psychology podcasts, it happened again! The guest was inadvertently using so many descriptive Elemental code words to describe her work, that I actually couldn’t focus on what she was saying anymore. I felt compelled to pause the podcast and try to look up her numbers. Fortunately, she was a professor at a prominent university, and I was able to find her birthdate.

But even if I couldn’t have gotten her numbers, I was pretty sure I knew what her Elements were. Sometimes our Elemental traits speak so strongly, that it is almost impossible to miss. As was the case with this professor.

Indeed, she was predominantly Water Element. Of course, she also had some Earth and Metal Elements in her nature, but her Water was definitely talking throughout the interview.

From the beginning, her story captivated me, especially how firmly it linked with the Water Element. She holds a Ph.D in behavioral decision research and on this episode of the podcast she was discussing the cost of concealment. Her research suggests that the secrets we keep hidden from others can erode our connections and clog our mental space. (Water erodes, think of the Grand Canyon and the brain is actually associated with the Water Element.) And as she explained, we do this out of lack of trust, or fear that we will be judged by others.

Hmm… concealment, hidden secrets, erosion, fear, I thought. All associated with the Water Element, and the fact that she has chosen to make a career out of this particular research, fascinating! Water folks love to dwell in the covert deep abyss of the unknown, and they can be extremely secretive and distrustful, especially when they get hurt.

But for me, the most interesting part of her story was when she described an incident that happened years before at a “rookie” academic job fair, involving what she termed “mutual self disclosure.” Which is the reciprocal, voluntary sharing of personal information, feelings or experiences, as a way to build trust and intimacy. And in her words, she had a “reciprocity fail.”

Fresh out of college and seeking a career in academia, she attended the robust event at a large hotel, where all universities that are recruiting rent out suites. Every hour on the hour, all the candidates move from room to room pitching themselves and presenting their research.

As she is waiting for the elevator to go to yet another suite, the doors open and she steps inside and notices there is only one other job candidate on the lift. As the steel doors close, she wearily looks at the the man, and utters that she is completely exhausted from the days events, hoping he will commiserate with her, and they can have a shared moment of friendship. But he doesn’t. Instead, he straightens up and cheerfully responds, “oh this is such a fun opportunity to get senior faculty to weigh in on all of my research! It is just so amazing!” Reciprocity fail.

But the thing is, he’s probably Wood Element, possibly even mixed with some Fire Element. Mingling with the senior staff, being able to present his stuff, get some valuable feedback, perhaps even set some new goals… it likely was energizing and awesome for him.

However, she is Water Element, and being around all those people in such a structured, fast paced environment, was exhausting for her. As I perceived it, it wasn’t so much a “reciprocity fail,” as much as an Elemental patterns mishap or rather mismatch. It’s probably not that he didn’t take the olive branch or mean to shut her down, he just didn’t experience the event in the same way. But as she noted, the sting of that encounter still lingers.

And it would. For Water Element folks, the “sting” can last a very long time. They tend to “lose their voice” and trust when they get hurt. At the extreme, they disengage or disappear from the relationship. As was the case for the professor. Even though she admits they regularly see each other at conferences, and she acknowledges that he’s probably “a very nice guy,” she never again felt the desire to “chat him up.” Imagine if they had just understood each other’s Elemental patterns, they could have been life long friends!

Understanding Our Energetic Roadmap

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For many people, the new year begins in January, with fresh expectations and newly minted goals in hand. But for me, February is when I start to think about the year ahead. And it’s not so much about the goals or achievements that I am pondering, but rather the questions I will ask of the coming year.

Because in the astrological system of 9 Star Ki, February 4th begins the shift. And with it comes distinctively new energetic patterns and “homework,” for each year. I have found it to be a valuable and interesting way to look back at the year that has just ended and gain insight into the year that is emerging. It helps us to decide if it’s the best time to push forward or to rest and reflect. Sometimes with jaw dropping accuracy, and at other times, with a simple shrug and a “yeah, that happened.”

And in 2025, I was in one of those quiet reflective years. It is called a year of “transformation,” but to me it felt more like being stuck in the mud. Thick mud, the kind your boots get stuck in on an early spring day, when the snow starts to melt. Moving forward was an enormous effort and nothing seemed clear. Communication can be difficult in a year like this, and little details can be missed. And even though I knew this going in, it still happened.

In September, while attending a one time blogging class, I was discussing my work with the 9 Star Ki, when couple of interested classmates asked me for my website information. Later, as I was recounting the events of the evening to my husband, he looked at me with mild irritation and replied, “you gave them the wrong website name!” And sure enough, I had. Those pesky little “details!”

However, even though 9 Star Ki is a remarkable way to understand our energetic patterns and yearly cycles, it is not a fortune cookie or an immutable predictor of fate. We still have to do the work. Essentially, it is a tool that shows us our energetic “weather” for the year.

But precisely because it is so accurate, it can be tempting to rely on it a bit too much, and instead treat it as a way of life. The same can be true of Feng Shui, Western Astrology or any of the instruments we use to help us navigate our journey in life. When I first started studying this system, I did just that.

In late winter of 2011, my husband started a new career path that required our family to relocate from New Jersey to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Though I knew the move would be stressful, I was more amazed at the accuracy of the energetic pattern, than surprised. I had just entered a season of rapid growth and change, and I figured why not? Let’s just go for it, and so we did.

Of course, as with any move, especially a major one, there were challenges. But when the dust settled, we started to make friends and form a new community. However, in the spring of 2013, when my husband had entered into the same cycle of change that I had been in two years prior, his company abruptly moved his entire group back east.

The challenge, besides the fact that we were facing yet another cross country move, was that I wasn’t in a year of change. In fact, I was in an “eye of the hurricane,” as Jean Haner, the author of Your Hidden Symmetry, calls it. And the advice for the year is to stay put!

I panicked. “What am I to do?” I pleaded with my 9 Star Ki teacher, “I can’t move, it’s the wrong year!” Though she did not seem too concerned, because it was the “eye of the hurricane” after all, and her advice was simple. “Just don’t take the lead, let your husband handle the big details,” she replied. “Give yourself some extra time and expect that there might be some complications.”

Well, not only didn’t I take the lead, I completely gave it to my husband (which is not what she told me to do, by the way). I followed the script for the year a little too closely and ended up giving myself a lot of complication. Complications that lasted years, because not only was he in a year of change, but he was also in a year where he could be impulsive. And he impulsively bought a house… without me. As you might imagine, this did not go well for either of us!

The point is, I wasn’t supposed to give my power up because a 9 Star Ki yearly cycle advised not to move. Life happens. What I was supposed to do is expect that there might be some extra challenges. Instead, I took it too literally and got a house and a community that wasn’t the best fit. And as my wise Five Element acupuncturist always reminds me, “it is meant to be a tool, not a way of life.”

And that is exactly I how I approach the 9 Star Ki energetic cycles now. With wonder and curiosity. A way to look back, reflect, and gain some insight, and maybe even do a little yearly homework. But mostly as a valuable roadmap on my journey through time.

How Certain Elements Can Get Stuck In Challenging Relationships

“I can’t even talk! It is almost as if I could just put the phone down and go do something else and he would’t even know I was gone!” Mary uttered in a mixture of exasperation and irritation, as we sipped our coffee. Maybe you need better boundaries, I calmly replied, as I stirred my coffee, waiting for her usual reply. “I do have boundaries,” Mary grumbled. “No one listens to them.” Hmm, I thought. “There is a difference between asking and setting,” I gently replied. “What exactly are you getting at?” Mary snapped, as she broke off a small piece of her muffin. “Let’s talk some 9 Star Ki,” I replied, and grinned as Mary sighed.

We have all been there, stuck in a bad relationship and wondering how we got there. Even when we’ve done the work, have reasonably good boundaries, and consider ourselves to be psychologically aware, how do we sometimes find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships?

Of course, there are many good reasons why some of us get stuck in challenging relationships, and those circumstances are beyond the scope of this blog. But from a 9 Star Ki perspective, there are some very positive traits that certain Elemental personalities hold in their core that also have the potential to keep them trapped.

Empathy, compassion, nurturing and an open heart are a few of those wonderful qualities, but those same traits can sometimes keep us tangled up in toxic relationships.

Mary is strongly an Earth Element personality. These folks are the caregivers. They carry a calm, grounded and stable essence. Like the rich soil of the earth, they nurture and support us. But because of their strong sense of loyalty and compassion, they can have trouble setting boundaries.

In fact, Earth people can feel quite guilty about saying no to someone’s request or not being able to be there when a friend or family member needs them. Even if it is logistically not possible. And because they have the ability to be so supportive, Earth element people can sometimes take on too much of the emotional burden, be too willing to be the container that holds another’s emotions.

And that is what happened to Mary. In her honest desire to help her friend, she had become too much of his emotional support system. So much so, that he became too dependent on her for his emotional regulation and even though she knew this, and could feel it starting to affect her own life, she felt too guilty to say something or to set boundaries.

Often, Earth people don’t ask for what they need, because they sometimes secretly wish the other person would just know what they wanted. Earth Element folks are so wonderfully aware of other peoples needs, they sometimes assume the same is true for them. But what can happen when they don’t ask for help is that they become depleted, which can turn into angry resentment, then they stop giving. And their nurturing, compassionate and grounding essence starts to dim.

And we don’t what that to happen, because we need our Earth Element folks! They bring such empathy, compassion and nurturing energy into the world. But that is what was starting to happen to Mary.

And so, that day over coffee we talked about the many wonderful Earth Element qualities and challenges. The need for Mary to set boundaries, not to request them. To limit the amount of time she spent on the phone listening to her friend’s problems. Instead of calling every week, maybe talking every two weeks and only for a half-hour.

Mary was so good at helping her friends and family and holding space for them, but not so good at doing so for herself. We spoke about the importance of setting some quality time aside to fill her own emotions container of wants and needs. I suggested finding new hobbies and activities that nourished her spirit and brought in some calm and grounding energy. And because Mary loves to cook, we talked about how preparing a nice meal to share with friends and family was a perfect way to “feed” her soul. Or simply, just having a nice cup of coco in her big comfy chair, all snuggled up with a good book and a warm plate of holiday cookies!