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Oh My Fluffy White Nemesis!
Recently I’ve written a lot about the Water Element. Maybe because here in the Northeast we are stuck in the throws of a particularly brutal winter. We’ve got more than we asked for in snow and frigid temperatures. In fact, if anyone needs some extra of either, we have plenty to spare!
I am not a winter enthusiast, I loathe it. As my husband will tell you, anytime we get an ounce of snow, I have a mini meltdown. I can’t tell you how many time my heart has sunk into my chest as I made my way down the stairs, only to look out at yet another unexpected snowfall blanketing the driveway. “It’s nature, you can’t control it,” my husband calmly, and ever so slightly amused, responds to my exasperation at the sight of my fluffy white nemesis.
Winter just feels so long and isolating. It is supposed to, I know. “But I have a lot of Fire Element in my personality and I need warmth and sun,” I grumbled to my friend Theresa, while we sipped on jalapeño martinis during a recent “girls night out” dinner. “Yeah, it’s been harsh,” she acknowledged, taking a bite of her pasta. “But come July, we are going to be whining about the sweltering 90 degree weather!” “Fair enough,” I agreed, as we switched the topic to AI.
And that’s just it, some people are fine with winter, the ones who like to hibernate in the basement playing video games or watching movies. Perhaps for the folks out on the ski slopes, or for those to whom social interaction and human contact is not such a big deal. Actually, for those people, too much human interaction can be a real drag on their nervous system. But those of us for which community and socialization are vital, the quiet solitude of winter can be a bit underwhelming and depressing.
In fact, solitude of any kind can be challenging for certain types of Fire Element personalities, especially if it represents their evolutionary path and core issue in life. These are the open-hearted individuals, for whom connecting with others is essential. But sometimes, in their zeal to make others feel loved and seen, this same trait can make them a bit of a pleaser. And hidden beneath that, lies the fear of rejection.
One of my favorite 9 Star Ki mentors told such a story about a client of their’s, who they had worked with many years ago. The client had recently moved to a new city and felt lonely and isolated. In her desire to make new friends, she often spent hours sitting in the office of her apartment complex listening to people come in and spew out all their problems. However, she did not get paid to sit and listen to these people, and they were not her friends. They just came to unload their frustrations and leave feeling better.
Because her heart was so open and she craved friends, she lacked discernment and boundaries. Instead of finding new friends, she became a lonely service provider. And the fear of rejection resulted in her spending too much time in the office, which prevented her from discovering healthier relationships, and more enjoyable ways to socialize.
But fortunately, with some gentle coaching from my 9 Star Ki mentor, she eventually did move on from the office, and found more pleasurable ways to meet people.
As for me, I think I’ll hideout in the warmth of my cozy kitchen. Imagining balmy summer days, while creating savory suppers and comfort food to enjoy with my family and friends. And as we gather around the table in the solace of good company, we’ll raise our jalapeño martinis in a toast to the coming spring.
So take that my fluffy white nemesis! Even though Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter, you can’t hold off those daffodils forever! And as for old man winter, yeah… I don’t think we’re going to be friends.
Reciprocity Fail Or Elemental Mishap?
Lately, I have been drawn to watercolor painting, and as I sat mixing shades for my latest project, It occurred to me how similar the 5 Elements and primary colors are. Each has a unique foundation, an underlying basis or principle that can not be created. But they can be altered by mixing and fusing with each other, to produce unique and beautiful one of a kind hues, or Elemental patterns.
Just as a well trained artist knows how to bring a composition to life, skillfully using pigments and tone to create beauty and interest, or invoke our emotions. So too, do the Five Elements dance with each other to create fascinating patterns, personality traits, and colorful code words.
And I see and hear those patterns, traits and vivid code words everywhere. I almost can’t help it. An occupational hazard, I guess. In fact, a few days ago while I was listening to one of my favorite psychology podcasts, it happened again! The guest was inadvertently using so many descriptive Elemental code words to describe her work, that I actually couldn’t focus on what she was saying anymore. I felt compelled to pause the podcast and try to look up her numbers. Fortunately, she was a professor at a prominent university, and I was able to find her birthdate.
But even if I couldn’t have gotten her numbers, I was pretty sure I knew what her Elements were. Sometimes our Elemental traits speak so strongly, that it is almost impossible to miss. As was the case with this professor.
Indeed, she was predominantly Water Element. Of course, she also had some Earth and Metal Elements in her nature, but her Water was definitely talking throughout the interview.
From the beginning, her story captivated me, especially how firmly it linked with the Water Element. She holds a Ph.D in behavioral decision research and on this episode of the podcast she was discussing the cost of concealment. Her research suggests that the secrets we keep hidden from others can erode our connections and clog our mental space. (Water erodes, think of the Grand Canyon and the brain is actually associated with the Water Element.) And as she explained, we do this out of lack of trust, or fear that we will be judged by others.
Hmm… concealment, hidden secrets, erosion, fear, I thought. All associated with the Water Element, and the fact that she has chosen to make a career out of this particular research, fascinating! Water folks love to dwell in the covert deep abyss of the unknown, and they can be extremely secretive and distrustful, especially when they get hurt.
But for me, the most interesting part of her story was when she described an incident that happened years before at a “rookie” academic job fair, involving what she termed “mutual self disclosure.” Which is the reciprocal, voluntary sharing of personal information, feelings or experiences, as a way to build trust and intimacy. And in her words, she had a “reciprocity fail.”
Fresh out of college and seeking a career in academia, she attended the robust event at a large hotel, where all universities that are recruiting rent out suites. Every hour on the hour, all the candidates move from room to room pitching themselves and presenting their research.
As she is waiting for the elevator to go to yet another suite, the doors open and she steps inside and notices there is only one other job candidate on the lift. As the steel doors close, she wearily looks at the the man, and utters that she is completely exhausted from the days events, hoping he will commiserate with her, and they can have a shared moment of friendship. But he doesn’t. Instead, he straightens up and cheerfully responds, “oh this is such a fun opportunity to get senior faculty to weigh in on all of my research! It is just so amazing!” Reciprocity fail.
But the thing is, he’s probably Wood Element, possibly even mixed with some Fire Element. Mingling with the senior staff, being able to present his stuff, get some valuable feedback, perhaps even set some new goals… it likely was energizing and awesome for him.
However, she is Water Element, and being around all those people in such a structured, fast paced environment, was exhausting for her. As I perceived it, it wasn’t so much a “reciprocity fail,” as much as an Elemental patterns mishap or rather mismatch. It’s probably not that he didn’t take the olive branch or mean to shut her down, he just didn’t experience the event in the same way. But as she noted, the sting of that encounter still lingers.
And it would. For Water Element folks, the “sting” can last a very long time. They tend to “lose their voice” and trust when they get hurt. At the extreme, they disengage or disappear from the relationship. As was the case for the professor. Even though she admits they regularly see each other at conferences, and she acknowledges that he’s probably “a very nice guy,” she never again felt the desire to “chat him up.” Imagine if they had just understood each other’s Elemental patterns, they could have been life long friends!
Understanding Our Energetic Roadmap
For many people, the new year begins in January, with fresh expectations and newly minted goals in hand. But for me, February is when I start to think about the year ahead. And it’s not so much about the goals or achievements that I am pondering, but rather the questions I will ask of the coming year.
Because in the astrological system of 9 Star Ki, February 4th begins the shift. And with it comes distinctively new energetic patterns and “homework,” for each year. I have found it to be a valuable and interesting way to look back at the year that has just ended and gain insight into the year that is emerging. It helps us to decide if it’s the best time to push forward or to rest and reflect. Sometimes with jaw dropping accuracy, and at other times, with a simple shrug and a “yeah, that happened.”
And in 2025, I was in one of those quiet reflective years. It is called a year of “transformation,” but to me it felt more like being stuck in the mud. Thick mud, the kind your boots get stuck in on an early spring day, when the snow starts to melt. Moving forward was an enormous effort and nothing seemed clear. Communication can be difficult in a year like this, and little details can be missed. And even though I knew this going in, it still happened.
In September, while attending a one time blogging class, I was discussing my work with the 9 Star Ki, when couple of interested classmates asked me for my website information. Later, as I was recounting the events of the evening to my husband, he looked at me with mild irritation and replied, “you gave them the wrong website name!” And sure enough, I had. Those pesky little “details!”
However, even though 9 Star Ki is a remarkable way to understand our energetic patterns and yearly cycles, it is not a fortune cookie or an immutable predictor of fate. We still have to do the work. Essentially, it is a tool that shows us our energetic “weather” for the year.
But precisely because it is so accurate, it can be tempting to rely on it a bit too much, and instead treat it as a way of life. The same can be true of Feng Shui, Western Astrology or any of the instruments we use to help us navigate our journey in life. When I first started studying this system, I did just that.
In late winter of 2011, my husband started a new career path that required our family to relocate from New Jersey to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Though I knew the move would be stressful, I was more amazed at the accuracy of the energetic pattern, than surprised. I had just entered a season of rapid growth and change, and I figured why not? Let’s just go for it, and so we did.
Of course, as with any move, especially a major one, there were challenges. But when the dust settled, we started to make friends and form a new community. However, in the spring of 2013, when my husband had entered into the same cycle of change that I had been in two years prior, his company abruptly moved his entire group back east.
The challenge, besides the fact that we were facing yet another cross country move, was that I wasn’t in a year of change. In fact, I was in an “eye of the hurricane,” as Jean Haner, the author of Your Hidden Symmetry, calls it. And the advice for the year is to stay put!
I panicked. “What am I to do?” I pleaded with my 9 Star Ki teacher, “I can’t move, it’s the wrong year!” Though she did not seem too concerned, because it was the “eye of the hurricane” after all, and her advice was simple. “Just don’t take the lead, let your husband handle the big details,” she replied. “Give yourself some extra time and expect that there might be some complications.”
Well, not only didn’t I take the lead, I completely gave it to my husband (which is not what she told me to do, by the way). I followed the script for the year a little too closely and ended up giving myself a lot of complication. Complications that lasted years, because not only was he in a year of change, but he was also in a year where he could be impulsive. And he impulsively bought a house… without me. As you might imagine, this did not go well for either of us!
The point is, I wasn’t supposed to give my power up because a 9 Star Ki yearly cycle advised not to move. Life happens. What I was supposed to do is expect that there might be some extra challenges. Instead, I took it too literally and got a house and a community that wasn’t the best fit. And as my wise Five Element acupuncturist always reminds me, “it is meant to be a tool, not a way of life.”
And that is exactly I how I approach the 9 Star Ki energetic cycles now. With wonder and curiosity. A way to look back, reflect, and gain some insight, and maybe even do a little yearly homework. But mostly as a valuable roadmap on my journey through time.
Understanding the Water Element in Human Life
The Water Element: Deep and Powerful
In winter life seems quiet and hidden. Bare tree branches are etched across the sky and layers of snow blanket the frozen ground. But deep beneath the surface, concealed in the cold, dark earth, transformation is happening as the seeds slowly begin to grow and strengthen, silently waiting for the coming of spring.
And like the small trickle of melting snow winding its way down the mountain slope, softly moving around obstacles and joining together with more droplets to create rivers that slowly carve and shape the earth, water is determined.
Powerful, deep, mysterious and persistent – this is the essence of the Water Element. In human life, these are the intuitive, courageous and adventurous people. They carry a deep inner wisdom and can be quite philosophical and innovative. And although they appear easy going, Water Element people have strong independent natures, and don’t easily share their thoughts or emotions with the outside world. In fact, they can be quite secretive.
Water people need a great deal of freedom and flexibility in life. It can be torture for them to be stuck in a 9 to 5 job wearing a suit every day. In fact, they would actually prefer to be working horizontally. Whether lounging on the sofa, bed or recliner, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s not sitting at a desk!
One familiar pattern of Water Element people is their ability to push through difficult situations. They have tremendous courage and tenacity, but they can be challenged by the emotion of fear. Water Energy is about the unknown. It’s a deep, dark mysterious world beneath the surface, and fear is alway about the unknown. Water people carry this essence within them and under stress they can withdraw or become overly cautious and unable to move forward or make decisions. At the extreme, they may even become afraid to communicate their feelings.
A peek into the Water Element Personality:
Once, when I was on a plane traveling to North Carolina, I was seated next to a woman in her early 60’s. She’d noticed that I was reading a book about the Nine Star Ki, and as the plane started to land, her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked me about the book. After I gave her a brief description of the Ki and the Five Elements, she began to tell me her story.
Her career required her to travel a lot and and she loved it, but she wanted to retire. When I asked her why she didn’t, she told me about her husband who had been out of work for quite some time, and how he had secretly taken most of the money out of her retirement fund and spent it. Of course, once she found out, she filed for divorce, but now she would have to work longer than she had planned to. As I do with almost everyone I meet, I asked for her birthdate and gave her a quick description of her energetic patterns and the yearly cycle she was in. But when I explained her husband’s patterns and his yearly cycle, well, she was kind of stunned. She was Wood Element, and he was Water Element. And sometimes Water Element people have the tendency to be very secretive under stress and only tell you what they think you need to know. And this is just what happened. He was secretly and slowly taking the money over time, and like water gradually leaking out of a swimming pool, he literally “drained” her bank account. He was also in a 9 Fire year, which is a year of illumination and if you are hiding something that you don’t want to be seen, it can more easily come to light.
Although we had limited time to delve into her situation, she was astonished by the accuracy of the Nine Star Ki and how it illuminated some of the challenges she faced with her husband.
Everyday Cooking: The Art of Simple Suppers
Cooking has a kind of effortless feel to me. However, not the big extravagant holiday meals, those simply exhaust me. Rather, it is the everyday suppers that I look forward to preparing. There is a certain sort of creativity and experimentation to it.
In fact, every morning one of the first things I think about when I am getting ready for the day is, “what’s for supper tonight?” As I start planning, I do a visual inventory of what is in the refrigerator. I love to take what is already there, the leftovers, the things that are about to expire or that no one will eat and start imagining how I’ll make it all come together.
Most of the time my creations are a win, however, there are a few that are less than appreciated by my family. I have definitely presented my fair share of flops. Like the time I decided to throw the leftover Thanksgiving cranberries in with the salmon. My daughter refused to even try it.
Or my infamous “scarlet quiche.” An intricate mixture of eggs, half and half, tomato paste, basil and mozzarella cheese. And as one might have expected, it received less than stellar reviews. Instead, it was more like shock and disgust… “I think you may have gone a bit to far with this one,” my husband observed, as he took a tentative bite, and contorted his face. Though his French mother, who is an amazing home cook, humorously said it was a good idea. Which in retrospect, probably should have clued me in that is wasn’t going to work out so well.
However, I do have some wins. Like my white pizza with pepperoni and sausage or my Thursday night enchiladas with all of the weeks leftovers mixed with cheddar cheese and sour cream. Seriously, those are really good, and believe it or not, a crowd pleaser. At least with my crowd of three, that is. I haven’t been brave enough to try it on company yet.
And It is the meals that I nail that keep me interested in the game. That is rather what it is to me, a sort of game. I take what no one wants to eat and create (hopefully), something delicious. But there is another reason why I love to be in the kitchen cooking everyday meals. There is a rythm to it. The chopping of the veggies, the mixing of ingredients and sauces. It’s like creating a work of art, and I can get lost in the flow of it.
Unlike painting, where my mind starts to quiet and settle, and the day’s rumination slip away with every swirl of the paint brush. Instead, I become energized with each stir of the spoon, sprinkle of spice or shake of salt and pepper. And the anticipation of the outcome, will it look good, will it be edible, and the forever discerning critique of my family animates me, and keeps me going.
But most importantly, the kitchen is a space all my own, where I can create anything I desire. Sure, my other family members use the space, but not as much or in the same way as I do. Except on the holidays when my husband decides to cook (and oh brother!), that is another whole blog post of it’s own. Some good French food on the table but a complete disaster in the kitchen! And guess who gets to clean up that mess?!
So yeah, it is the practical preparation of the ordinary meals that I really enjoy. It is the easy, simple stuff, and just being in the moment of absolute creativity. Perfection doesn’t exist and mistakes don’t matter, only an effortless delight. I’ll save the fancy French cuisine for my husband! Bon Appetite!
Holiday Elemental Emotions – Naughty or Nice?
Ah, the holiday season is upon us and with it comes all the joys, or rather, challenges of the grumpier side of the Five Elements.
One of the most useful parts of my studies in Nine Star Ki, has been being able to navigate the holidays and those sometimes (let’s be real – most of the time) challenging personalities of family. It has been such a great tool for me in learning how not to take things too personally.
Because there is always that sibling who has a blowup every year, the critical aunt who nitpicks every detail or the nosy brother in-law who asks too many questions. And none of us are the best version of ourselves under stress and the season’s festivities can sometimes wake up the peppery side of our emotional patterns.
So, I thought I would make a list of the “naughty and nice” attributes of each of the Five Element during the holiday season. Feel free to use this as a guide at your own holiday gatherings with friends and family. Maybe even having a little fun with it, to see if you can tell which Element is being nice or naughty!
Wood Element folks are the creative, optimistic go getter people. “Beginning, middle, end, move on,” is their motto. They definitely get things done. But under pressure or feeling blocked, the emotional nature of Wood can snap and become easily frustrated, impatient or at the extreme, angry. However, like a loud clap of thunder, their outbursts usually pass quickly. And while the rest of us non Wood Element people try and settle our nerves, they can easily bounce back to their optimistic selves, and wonder why everyone else is so upset.
Fire Element people are lovable, warm and charming. They are animated and humorous, always cracking little jokes to lighten the mood. Truly the life of the party. But on the emotional side, when they get overexcited, anxious or feel rejected there can be big drama! Usually resulting in tears but at the extreme a dramatic explosion of emotion!
Such as a display of dinner roll fireworks flying through the air. This is what happened to a very Fire Element colleague of mine and her Wood Element husband, at an Easter dinner hosted at their house. As tensions got “hot” in the kitchen, she and her husband started pelting each other with fresh out of the oven dinner rolls, as their startled guests and her horrified mother looked on. Though, their guests took it in stride, even laughing about it later, her mother was not amused. Needless to say, future gathering were moved to her more grounded brother’s house.
And that brings us to Earth Element people. These folks are nurturing, calm and grounding. They are the givers, the incredibly kind, caring and reliable people. They have a strong sense of connection to others and community and you will often find them at the center of activity with family and friends. But this same quality can cause them to drain themselves by over giving and not ask for help when they need it, which can cause them to feel like a victim, or at the extreme, become resentful. When this happens, they can stop giving. They ofter to bring the casserole or shop for the gifts, but then they turn up empty handed.
My friend Margaret’s brother is a very Earthy guy, and he had stared to become drained from over extending himself. But as usual, he generously offered to pick her family up from the airport, when they returned from vacation. However, on the day of their flight home, as they were in route to the airport, he called to say he was tired and couldn’t make it, and told her to rent a car instead.
Metal Element folks are the visionaries. They are highly sensitive and adept at creating beauty and value out of the simplicity of the mundane. They have impeccable manners, notice every detail, and graciously adjust their energy to those around them. However, because they are so attuned to others energy and their surroundings, they can become moody and anxious. When this happens, they become overly sensitive to criticism, sharp with their words, or slip into denial. As in, “if we just don’t look at the elephant in the room, it isn’t there.”
My best friend from college had a very metal nature, and one night when we were on our way to meet up with friends, the muffler fell of her car. We heard a loud noise and saw sparks flying in the rearview mirror, and passerby’s were honking their horns trying to alert us to the dragging muffler. When I advised her that we should probably pull off to the side of the road, she just look at me and replied, “it’s fine, just turn up the radio and we won’t hear it anymore.”
And last but not least, we wind our way down to Water Element people. These are the innovators and adventurers. Powerful, deep, mysterious and intuitive. They carry a deep sense of wisdom. And although they appear easy going, Water Element people have strong independent natures and don’t easily share their thoughts or emotions with the outside world. In fact, under stress, they can become fearful or loose their voices. At the extreme, they can become paranoid or have the tendency to be quite secretive. Only telling you what they think you need to know.
The business manager at my husband’s former company had a lot of Water Element personality traits. He once cleverly opened some of his colleagues greeting cards at the annual holiday party, and used the gift cards inside to pay for a few rounds of drinks. He then secretly put the used gift cards back! Imagine the shock when those employees opened their greeting cards only to find a spent holiday bonus inside! (My husband was one of those employees.) Though he eventually, and quietly, left replacement cards on each of their desks a few weeks later… without any explanation.
So now, when I gather with my family and friends to celebrate the holidays, I find a nice comfortable chair and settle in to enjoy the season’s festivities. As I sip my glass of chardonnay and munch on a few hors d’oeuvres, I watch to see which of the Five Elements are going to be naughty or nice!
Wishing you all a joyful Holiday Season and a Happy New Year! See you in January!
Simply For The Art Of Watercolor
As, I wandered through the little shops lining the main street, in the quaint New England town of Groton, Massachusetts, one particular store caught my attention. Its delightful storefront window decorated with all sorts of home decor and holiday gifts, called to me. Lately, I am completely drawn to table settings. I love the artful way they tell the stories of our most cherished gatherings. And as I meandered around the little shop, it did not disappoint. Sparkly Christmas decorations, inspirational holiday tables, and all the clever little gift ideas! Everywhere I looked was like candy for my eyes!
Yet, once again I found myself standing in the tiny room off to the side, surrounded by art supplies. I stood there staring at the watercolor paints, feeling the urge to buy some. But I have all these paints at home, I thought, trying to convince myself not to pick some up and head straight to the cash register. But just then, a little book caught my eye, and as I reached across the shelf to pick it up, I realized it was a watercolor workbook. Well, I certainly don’t have one of these at home, I thought as thumbed through the pages.
As I wrote in a previous blog post, “The Art of Curiosity,” I had been looking for a way to bring some fun into my “a little to predictable” life, and I had brought some art supplies up from the basement, which ironically, just happened to be watercolor paints.
I had set my intention to do some painting, though I hadn’t really done much else but think about it. I guess I was kind of waiting to see what the universe had to say about it. But speaking of it, it did, because I had been looking for a way to start painting again, and this little book was perfect! So I scooped it up and off to the cash register I went.
For the first few days, the little workbook just stayed in the bag, then it came out of the bag only to lay on the kitchen table for a couple more days. I don’t know why, but I was a bit intimidated by it. I didn’t want to make any mistakes, or mess up the book. And then my husband inquired, “are you going to do anything with that, or just let it sit there?” I’m going to paint!” I snapped, “I just haven’t had time.” Of course, I had time, I was just afraid to start. I didn’t want to make a mistake.
But by day three, I decided I was just going to go for it. After all, what is the worst that could happen, I thought. So I make a mistake, there are a lot more pictures left in the book, and that’s how we learn right? I mused to myself, as set up my paints and opened the workbook.
As I nervously dipped my brush into the water, and started to paint, something interesting started to happen. I slowed down, grew patient, and as I swirled my brush around in the water, dabbing the colors on to the paper, my mind grew quiet. I started to loose myself in the very act of painting. I felt calm and grounded, no ruminating about daily problems, the dinner that had to be made, or the chores left to finish. Just me and the colors and shapes and the delightful way the paint spread across the paper, with each new brush stroke.
Suddenly without warning, an hour had passed, the sun had sunk deep into the horizon and the house had grown dark. And I was happily surprised with a painting. Huh, it’s not bad, I thought, as I pack up my things and put them back in the cabinet. I guess the Universe had something to say after all, and all I had to do with listen!
Simple Feng Shui Tips for a Harmonious Home
Whenever someone asks me about Feng Shui, I am always met with some version of, “Isn’t that the thing that tells you where to put your couch?” Or “I don’t believe in that stuff, it’s to woo woo!” Or “I don’t want to show you my house, it is filled with clutter and I am sure I have bad Feng Shui!” And one of my favorites, “Feng Shui is too complicated and “I don’t want to put a bunch of silly trinkets all over my house!”
My answer is straightforward, “yes, it can be all that, and it doesn’t have to be any of that.” To which I am always met with a bunch of blank stares. But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be overly complicated. One can simply start with the basics, using the Five Senses.
So often, we make things more complicated than they need to be. Usually there is the urge to do too much or “fix” a perceived problem, while at the same time, not being clear about our intentions. I felt the same way when I first came across Feng Shui more than two decades ago. I started to install all sorts of “cures” to make my life more balanced. I wanted a better job, to have more money and find a good partner. But instead, all that happened was I got frustrated, disillusioned, and ended up throwing my new book in the garbage.
Of course, we still have to do the mundane work, but it’s best to start simple. Feng Shui is all about our relationship to our home and surroundings. What we see, hear, smell, touch and taste in our environment can have a greater impact on us than we might think. And simply adjusting one thing, such as the first thing we see when we enter our home or the smells that greet us as soon as we walk through the door, can make us relax with pleasure or zap the energy right out of us.
My friend Michael was a very “woodsy” kind of guy. He loved the outdoors, but had to relocate from the suburbs into the city for a new job. Though he loved his job, the bustle of the streets and his cramped new apartment, not so much. He was not a fan of Feng Shui, but he did agree to make some very minor adjustments to bring in more harmony. A few artfully placed fishing poles hung on the wall and a new plug-in diffuser that filled the air with the sent of fresh pine, was all it took. Instantly, his home gave him a warm welcome as he stepped through the door.
Which of the five senses would you like to invite into your home?
Sight – Use the door as a portal to draw you eye forward toward a beautiful piece of art or sculpture or the soft light of a lamp on a side table in the entry.
Smell – Have a diffuser with your favorite scent to fragrantly greet you as you step through the threshold.
Touch – Rest tired feet on a soft plush rug as you step through the door, or a cushioned bench to sit down on.
Hearing – The calming sound of a gentle wind chime or the relaxing trickle of a water fountain near the door.
Taste – Display a basket of fresh fruit on a table or fresh herbs on a kitchen windowsill to inspire a healthy snack after a long day of activities.
It can be as simple as that. Using a little Feng Shui and our five senses, we can make a ho-hum transition from the outside world into a transformation of a home that immediately gives us a welcoming hug.
How Certain Elements Can Get Stuck In Challenging Relationships
“I can’t even talk! It is almost as if I could just put the phone down and go do something else and he would’t even know I was gone!” Mary uttered in a mixture of exasperation and irritation, as we sipped our coffee. Maybe you need better boundaries, I calmly replied, as I stirred my coffee, waiting for her usual reply. “I do have boundaries,” Mary grumbled. “No one listens to them.” Hmm, I thought. “There is a difference between asking and setting,” I gently replied. “What exactly are you getting at?” Mary snapped, as she broke off a small piece of her muffin. “Let’s talk some 9 Star Ki,” I replied, and grinned as Mary sighed.
We have all been there, stuck in a bad relationship and wondering how we got there. Even when we’ve done the work, have reasonably good boundaries, and consider ourselves to be psychologically aware, how do we sometimes find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships?
Of course, there are many good reasons why some of us get stuck in challenging relationships, and those circumstances are beyond the scope of this blog. But from a 9 Star Ki perspective, there are some very positive traits that certain Elemental personalities hold in their core that also have the potential to keep them trapped.
Empathy, compassion, nurturing and an open heart are a few of those wonderful qualities, but those same traits can sometimes keep us tangled up in toxic relationships.
Mary is strongly an Earth Element personality. These folks are the caregivers. They carry a calm, grounded and stable essence. Like the rich soil of the earth, they nurture and support us. But because of their strong sense of loyalty and compassion, they can have trouble setting boundaries.
In fact, Earth people can feel quite guilty about saying no to someone’s request or not being able to be there when a friend or family member needs them. Even if it is logistically not possible. And because they have the ability to be so supportive, Earth element people can sometimes take on too much of the emotional burden, be too willing to be the container that holds another’s emotions.
And that is what happened to Mary. In her honest desire to help her friend, she had become too much of his emotional support system. So much so, that he became too dependent on her for his emotional regulation and even though she knew this, and could feel it starting to affect her own life, she felt too guilty to say something or to set boundaries.
Often, Earth people don’t ask for what they need, because they sometimes secretly wish the other person would just know what they wanted. Earth Element folks are so wonderfully aware of other peoples needs, they sometimes assume the same is true for them. But what can happen when they don’t ask for help is that they become depleted, which can turn into angry resentment, then they stop giving. And their nurturing, compassionate and grounding essence starts to dim.
And we don’t what that to happen, because we need our Earth Element folks! They bring such empathy, compassion and nurturing energy into the world. But that is what was starting to happen to Mary.
And so, that day over coffee we talked about the many wonderful Earth Element qualities and challenges. The need for Mary to set boundaries, not to request them. To limit the amount of time she spent on the phone listening to her friend’s problems. Instead of calling every week, maybe talking every two weeks and only for a half-hour.
Mary was so good at helping her friends and family and holding space for them, but not so good at doing so for herself. We spoke about the importance of setting some quality time aside to fill her own emotions container of wants and needs. I suggested finding new hobbies and activities that nourished her spirit and brought in some calm and grounding energy. And because Mary loves to cook, we talked about how preparing a nice meal to share with friends and family was a perfect way to “feed” her soul. Or simply, just having a nice cup of coco in her big comfy chair, all snuggled up with a good book and a warm plate of holiday cookies!
The Art Of Curiosity
Completely uninspired, I stood in the center of my kitchen gazing out into the great room. It’s all so… boring. Sure, it looks good, it is definitely functional, but it is rather dull from an exhilarating point of view, I mused. Nothing screams out curiosity, fun or excitement. Instead, it just whispers of grounded, steady and quiet elegance.
In Feng Shui, it is said that a home is a reflection of the self. Though, I love the way it looks, and it has taken me years to get it exactly the way I envisioned it, still, is it exactly the way I wanted it? Now that the aesthetic is mostly done, I can truly see how it is a reflection of my life. I am grounded and steady, with an appreciation for beauty. But there definitely no fun lately. Creative, yes. Able to create beauty, yes. A sense of or order, yes. But fun… Not so much.
And that seems to be just what my life is missing. Fun, curiosity and a sense of purpose. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about purpose, so much so, that lately it has become like a full-time job. But finding purpose shouldn’t be a full-time job. Instead it should be more like a scavenger hunt, filled with curiosity, excitement and fun.
According to the Oxford dictionary curiosity is; 1 – a strong desire to know or learn something, 2 – a strong or unusual object or fact.
I am constantly on the lookout for learning new things, but predictably, it always seems to be much of the same subject matter. Psychology, Feng Shui and Nine Star Ki. Though, I have recently started to develop a genuine interest in Art History. However, art is not necessarily a new theme for me. When I was younger, I loved art, in fact, I eventually pursued a degree in graphic arts. Though I never really did much with it, or any kind of art for that matter.
My husband and daughter have no problem with curiosity. It just seems to flow out of their veins, especially when they have a desire to learn something new. They will happily dive in to whatever strikes their interest. In fact, just last weekend my husband wanted to go visits a local museum in Manchester, simply because he had never heard about it before, and just wanted to go check it out. However, I was not particularly interested in going, but to humor him, I went along.
But I did have a good time. I might even say it bordered on, dare I say it, “fun!” Walking around looking at all of the painting and sculptures while making connections to the art history podcast I’ve been listening to, was surprisingly enjoyable. As we concluded our visit in the gift shop of the museum, I found myself attracted by all the art supplies lining the shelves in the back of the shop. “Do you want to buy something,” my husband asked? “No,” I replied, “I don’t need anything, I have all this stuff at home in the basement.”
As we made our way to the car, I couldn’t stop thinking about all those paints, canvases and brushes, because secretly I did want to buy something. And after we got home, it stayed with me. I kept thinking about it all week. I journaled about it, “where has the fun in my life gone,” I thought? Where is the the curiosity? I wrote on the blank pages, seeking some inspirational answers.
But then as I stood there in the kitchen, it suddenly hit me. Exactly. Where IS the curiosity, the fun in my life. I don’t see it anywhere in this house! It is all so orderly and functional and predictable. I needed to do something different.
Just as with the second definition of curiosity, perhaps what I needed was “a strong or unusual object.” A reminder, a focal point of Curiosity. Something that would inspire me to get creative, to have fun, and to stop the endless predictability.
Knowing that something needed to shift, I cleared out a tiny corner in a cabinet next to the kitchen table and descended the steps to the basement to find the art supplies that had been hidden away in a dusty, cobweb filled corner. I returned with a few water color paints, some paper and a couple of brushes and gently tucked them into the cabinet with the aim to inspire more curiosity.
In Feng Shui terms, I set the intention to gently lean into finding new purpose and having some fun. Though, I can’t predict what will happen, and I’ve certainly not started painting like crazy, every afternoon at 2:00pm (that would be a little too predictable), that is just how the beauty and mystery of Feng Shui and spacial alchemy works. You set the intention, you change or add something new and then you wait and see what happens. Of course, I don’t mean to suggests that I wont “do” something too, like paint, or try to be more fun and creative. But simply that I have set the intention, given myself a nudge and now I’ll wait to see what the universe has to say about it. Stay tuned!
Elemental Energies 