I love Lindsay Gibson. Anytime I get to listen to a guest interview with her, I jump at the chance. She is a clinical psychologist and author of several books on emotional immaturity, including her bestseller, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This time, though, Lindsey was talking about her new book – How To Raise An Emotionally Mature Child. And as usual, she did not disappoint!
However, even though I really resonate with her thoughtful commentary and wise advise on emotional immaturity, there was one little sticking point that caught my attention during this interview. And I wasn’t the only one. All in the Mind podcast presenter, Sana Qadar struggled with it too. In fact, she admitted that it made her a little angry. Because, she’s done it, I know I’ve done it, and I am pretty sure everyone else has done it too.
In her new book, Lindsay lists several basic mindsets that contribute to raising an emotionally healthy child. Such as, your child has their own unique personality, emotional needs and their behavior is the way they are communicating those needs. All reasonably valid points, to which most parents would agree.
Then there are the absolutes. Behaviors that parents should absolutely avoid in order to help build emotional maturity in their children. Go with guidance rather that punishment. No hitting. Don’t berate or humiliate your child, to name a few, but then comes “Yelling is for emergencies only” – “wait, WHAT!” Sana exclaimed, “that one made me a little angry.”
Me too, not angry, exactly but shaking my head. Define emergency, Lindsay. Because when you are trying to get out of the house for an appointment and your kid is drawing all over your brick fireplace with crayons, or when your husband leaves the paint roller in the sink and your 17 month old grabs it and starts painting the floor of your new house in Benjamin Moore revere pewter, Yelling Happens! Just saying.
Does yelling mean we have failed as parents or at the very least, we’re doing parenting all wrong. Sure we should avoid it, but in those stressful moments, emotional regulation kind of goes out the window! But in her defense, Lindsay did say that we’ve all done it.
And we have definitely evolved. As Lindsay reminds us, past generations of the 40’s and 50’s were mainly concentrating on being properly authoritative for their children and just keeping a roof over their heads. Their emotional needs were certainly not being considered as much. Back then, everyone spanked and yelled at their kids. But there was also a lot of love and kindness in most of those families as well.
Even in the mid 60’s and early 70’s it was common to hit your kids. And not only was it the cultural norm but parents did it with what ever they could find, a wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer, or maybe a spatula. In fact, some folks even bought wooden paddle balls and let their kids play with them until the string broke, and then would use it for a spanking paddle. Think about that one for a minute or two. I just wonder what Lindsay would have to say about it now!
Of course, it was the 60’s after all, and no one really thought too much about it, because it was the cultural standard of the time. Most of those people were good, kind and loving parents. They were just following the norm, which thankfully, is no longer the norm. If fact, it was probably that generation of kids who changed the rules!
But yelling? …. Ehhh, I’m still having a bit of trouble with that one. I mean, I get that we shouldn’t do it, but in the heat of the moment it’s probably going to happen. And if it does get to that point, perhaps we should reflect on how we can do things differently. As Sana Qadar said, “I did go home and game plan: what else could I do in the morning?” And as annoying and unrealistic as she thought the advice was, thinking more deeply about what she could do otherwise, did work.
I do have a question for Lindsay, though. Do those same rules apply for spouses? Because if so, I have done a terrible job at raising mine! Maybe be your next book could be on how to raise an emotionally mature partner!
Elemental Energies 